


PokéMessenger v1.0.4

by tricksterity



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: Sun & Moon | Pokemon Sun & Moon Versions, Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: BAMF Satoshi | Ash Ketchum, Canon Compliant, Crack, Everyone Is Gay, Humor, LGBTQ Themes, Legendary Pokemon, M/M, NSFW, Non-Binary Nezu | Piers (Pokemon), Non-Binary Satoshi | Ash Ketchum, Not Canon Compliant, Pokemon Sun & Moon Spoilers, Pokemon Sword & Shield Spoilers, Rating May Change, Social Media, Tags May Change, chat fic, except for serena - Freeform, literal dead boy allister, literally everyone is gay, set during sm and moves into swsh, title may change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:40:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23257819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tricksterity/pseuds/tricksterity
Summary: Ash (#thechosenone):hey soAsh (#thechosenone):remember how i came to alola on holidayAsh (#thechosenone):because mr mime won that contestMisty (bikeless):yes and you decided to stay because you wanted to explore the region?Ash (#thechosenone):well…Ash (#thechosenone):about thatBrock (drying pan):did you run into a legendary againBrock (drying pan):please say sikeAsh (#thechosenone):………sike???Misty (bikeless):FOR FUCKS SAKE--AKA yet another pokemon chat fic but this time its gayer
Relationships: Burnet-hakase | Professor Burnet/Kukui-hakase | Professor Kukui, Dande | Leon/Kibana | Raihan, Gladio | Gladion/Satoshi | Ash Ketchum, Hop/Masaru | Victor, Kabu/Kibana | Raihan, Kasumi | Misty & Satoshi | Ash Ketchum, Kibana | Raihan/Nezu | Piers, Onion | Allister & Saitou | Bea, Satoshi | Ash Ketchum & Satoshi no Pikachu | Ash Ketchum's Pikachu, Satoshi | Ash Ketchum & Takeshi | Brock
Comments: 360
Kudos: 1070
Collections: Group Chat Fics, Purrsonal Picks





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There's a few personal headcanons I've got going on in this if this is to make any sense:
> 
> Firstly, we all know by now that there's no way Ash is still ten. Therefore I've decided that each main region he's been in took place over a year, so by the time he's in Alola he's about 17, with Misty and Brock being a few years older. His Alolan classmates are around his age, too, and same with Hop, Victor and Gloria. 
> 
> Secondly, the legendary chat is kinda weird. It's a telepathic wavelength that they all have going on that they can choose to listen to or block out, and somehow Ash has managed to worm his way in there and it's represented as a chat room, which the others are aware of and can also see. 
> 
> Also the tags are a little spoilery but who cares! Thanks, and please read on!

[1:09a.m.]

****

**_Ash_ ** _created **Chat Room**!_

 **_Ash_ ** _added **Mallow** , **Lana** , **Sophocles** , **Kiawe** , **Lillie**!_

 **_Ash_ ** _renamed room **Melemele Study Buddies**!_

**Ash:** whats up fuckers

**Kiawe:** what in fresh hell is this

 **Kiawe:** and why at one in the morning

**Ash:** because i wasn’t listening to prof kukui today and realised that i don’t know what we were meant to do for the report due tomorrow

 **Ash:** technically today

 **Ash:** so please help

**Lillie:** Ash, why would we help you when you called us ‘fuckers’?

**Kiawe:** oh my god lillie said the fuck word

**Lillie:** I can say any words that I want, Kiawe! I’m an adult!

 **Lillie:** …At least by Kanto standards.

**Ash:** haha i’m the only adult here

**Sophocles:** well that’s a terrifying thought

 **Sophocles:** we’re all gonna die

**Ash:** mood

**Sophocles:** also ash you’d better hope that these chat notifications don’t wake mallow up

 **Sophocles:** when she doesn’t get enough sleep she’s… terrifying

**Kiawe:** i just shuddered at the memory

**Lillie:** Oh, dear. Perhaps we should all go to sleep? I really shouldn’t be up so late!

**Ash:** but i still need help with the report!!!

 **Ash:** please! i’m sorry i called you all fuckers!!! it’s a habit!

**Lillie:** Do you greet all of your friends this way?

**Ash:** no of course not

 **Ash:** i usually say whats up lads and lesbians

 **Ash:** or whats up fellow faggots

**Lillie:** …

**Ash:** so it could be worse

**Lillie:** That’s not worse at all! I’d much rather be referred to as queer than a ‘fucker’!

 **Lillie:** At least then it would be accurate!

**Ash:** wait

 **Ash:** u gay too?

**Lillie:** We all are!

**Ash:** bruhhhhh

 **Ash:** gays really do flock together

 **Ash:** i can’t believe that i still don’t have a single straight friend

 **Ash:** this is amazing

 **Ash:** wait i forgot about serena

 **Ash:** shit. one straight friend

**Kiawe:** called it!

**Sophocles:** dammit

**Ash:** i’d hope so my goal in life is to exude pure gay energy

 **Ash:** so what flavour of gay are we all in this chili’s tonight

**Kiawe:** me and mallow are bi, lillie and lana are the world’s biggest lesbians, and soph is aroace

**Ash:** sick i love it

 **Ash:** anyway about that report???

**Sophocles:** oh for-

 **Sophocles:** for the tapus’ sake, ash

 **Sophocles:** i’ll dm you the details

**Ash:** thank you sophocles for my life

\--

[4:42p.m.]

**_Galar League_ **

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** i swear to fucking arceus above i will destroy you

**Piers (emo twink):** i’d like to see you try

 **Piers (emo twink):** fuckin chicken leg looking headass

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** OH LIKE YOU’RE ONE TO TALK

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** DROWNED SEWER RAT OBSTAGOON LOOKING HEADASS

**Nessa (water lesbian):** boys, please

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** this is beneath all of us

**Piers (emo twink):** not a boy

 **Piers (emo twink):** also i’m a top

 **Piers (emo twink):** i’m not beneath anyone

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** lmaooooooo

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** like literally anyone would believe that

**Gordie (rock hard):** what the hell did i just walk into

**Nessa (water lesbian):** after years of this are you really surprised

**Gordie (rock hard):** i live in hope

 **Gordie (rock hard):** it’s because i only have two braincells

**Nessa (water lesbian):** still more than raihan has

**Piers (emo twink):** you know what im gonna do raihan

 **Piers (emo twink):** i’m gonna get **@Melony** to breed me a perfect iv snom

 **Piers (emo twink):** i’m gonna ev train that bitch to be the fastest and most tankiest fucker in galar

 **Piers (emo twink):** then i’m gonna beat everyone in the semis

 **Piers (emo twink):** and then

 **Piers (emo twink):** on national television

 **Piers (emo twink):** i’m gonna wipe out your whole fucking team of dragons

 **Piers (emo twink):** _with a single fucking snom_

**_Melony (thicc mama)_ ** _logged in!_

**Melony (thicc mama):** Oh! I’m a fan of this plan!

**Nessa (water lesbian):** ajdsfkjahsdfasjfdka;

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** please fucking do it piers

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** just try it piers

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** i’ll take it out with a zero iv applin anytime

**Nessa (water lesbian):** we should actually make that an exhibition match

 **Nessa (water lesbian): @Leon** can we make this happen

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** please

**Leon (champoo):** holy fuck sajkfjhal

 **Leon (champoo):** i’ll ask rose

 **Leon (champoo):** knowing him he’ll probably say no but i can try

**Gordie (rock hard):** he really is the most boring bitch in galar huh

**Melony (thicc mama):** Even with all that daddy energy

**Gordie (rock hard):** mum please never fucking say that again

**_Bea (i’ll punch a bee)_ ** _logged in!_

**Bea (i’ll punch a bee):** i-

 **Bea (i’ll punch a bee):** i don’t know what i expected from this chat

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** yoou should knbow beetter by noww

**Bea (i’ll punch a bee):** i really should

 **Bea (i’ll punch a bee):** are you doing ok alli? your typing is worse than usual

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** ffinee

 **Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** justt a bit ccoldf to dayy

 **Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** fign ers arentt working too hwel l

**Bea (i’ll punch a bee):** omw to warm you up bubba!

**_Bea (i’ll punch a bee)_ ** _logged out!_

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** the way that bea cares more about a dead nine year old than literally any of us is wild

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** i’m 11 so shut the fuck up

**Leon (champoo):** ASDKJALals;dAKJFHAJDS

 **Leon (champoo):** the way he roasted you with perfect grammar despite being a literal corpse

 **Leon (champoo):** love you kiddo

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** 😘

**Leon (champoo):** omg im 😭😭😭

**Piers (emo twink):** i’m allergic to emotions

 **Piers (emo twink):** gonna yeet myself off a cliff bye

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** later bitch

**Piers (emo twink):** come and say that to my face

**Nessa (water lesbian):** oh he’s coming alright

**Leon (champoo):** ew

 **Leon (champoo):** nessa that’s my best friend

**_Milo (farmers’ market)_ ** _logged in!_

**Nessa (water lesbian):** and we all know he’s constantly arguing with piers bc he wants to get dicked down by an angry twink

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** so if it could just happen sometime this century so we can all get some peace i would be fucking grateful

**_Milo (farmers’ market)_ ** _logged off!_

**Leon (champoo):** someone’s got the right idea

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** I DO NOT WANT TO FUCK PIERS!!!!

**Nessa (water lesbian):** uh huh

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** keep telling yourself that weather boy

**_Kabu (gilf)_ ** _logged in!_

**Kabu (gilf):** Raihan definitely wants Piers.

 **Kabu (gilf):** Call it a veteran gay’s intuition.

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** more like a fuckin old man’s dementia kicking in

**Kabu (gilf):** At least I don’t post shirtless selfies on the internet every day for validation.

 **Kabu (gilf):** I know I’m hot without needing strangers to let me know.

**Leon (champoo):** LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **Leon (champoo):** DRAG HIM KABU

**Nessa (water lesbian):** adsfkljsahfjsdkljkfla’

**Gordie (rock hard):** WOW

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** hahaahhaaja ah aha

**Leon (champoo):** you’ve even got the kid laughing at u rai

 **Leon (champoo):** is this how it feels to finally be on the other side of the roasting

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** and…… how do you know about those shirtless selfies of mine huh old man?

**Leon (champoo):** oh shittttt

**Kabu (gilf):** On the off chance that you’re implying that I’m ‘thirsting’ after you, Raihan, allow me to make myself clear.

 **Kabu (gilf):** Literally everyone in Galar knows about your propensity for selfies that straddle the line of what is appropriate for a gym trainer to post, and about your severe self-worth issues that only get worse each time Leon defeats you that you need strangers’ validation to combat.

 **Kabu (gilf):** You aren’t special.

**Leon (champoo):** …

**_Raihan (dragon fucker)_ ** _logged off!_

**Piers (emo twink):** …

 **Piers (emo twink):** yikes

**Gordie (rock hard):** shit old man that was a bit harsh wasn’t it

**Kabu (gilf):** It’s something he needs to recognise in himself if he is ever to grow past it and become stronger.

 **Kabu (gilf):** But… perhaps this was not the place to tell him so.

**Leon (champoo):** yeah no shit

**Melony (thicc mama):** You were a little too harsh with him, Kabu dear.

 **Melony (thicc mama):** Maybe an apology?

**Piers (emo twink):** yeah even i wouldn’t go that far

 **Piers (emo twink):** that’s fucked up even for u kabu

**Kabu (gilf):** Leon, do you have any idea where I might find Raihan?

**Leon (champoo):** when he sulks he usually goes to the lake of outrage

**Kabu (gilf):** Very well. Thank you.

**_Kabu (gilf)_ ** _logged off!_

**Nessa (water lesbian):** oh they fuckin for sure

**Leon (champoo):** i-

 **Leon (champoo):** ASJKDHAF IM SORRY WHAT

**Nessa (water lesbian):** do not tell me you didn’t see the fucking daddy telling off his bratty sub energy in that

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** if the tent at the lake of outrage is rockin’, don’t come knockin’

**Leon (champoo):** ……..

 **Leon (champoo):** omg i-

 **Leon (champoo):** THEY FUCKIN????? RAI AND KABU????

**_Milo (farmers’ market)_ ** _logged in!_

**Milo (farmers’ market):** …

**_Milo (farmers’ market)_ ** _logged off!_

**Leon (champoo):** yeah that’s fair

\--

[7:53p.m.]

**_OG Badasses_ **

**Ash (#thechosenone):** hey so

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** remember how i came to alola on holiday

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** because mr mime won that contest

**Misty (bikeless):** yes and you decided to stay because you wanted to explore the region?

**Ash (#thechosenone):** well…

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** about that

**Brock (drying pan):** did you run into a legendary again

 **Brock (drying pan):** please say sike

**Ash (#thechosenone):** ………sike???

**Misty (bikeless):** FOR FUCKS SAKE

 **Misty (bikeless):** WE LEFT YOU ALONE FOR FOUR DAYS ASH KETCHUM

**Ash (#thechosenone):** try four hours

**Brock (drying pan):** now that’s got to be a record

**Ash (#thechosenone):** it was kinda embarrassing ngl

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** kukui asked me to describe what the pokemon looked like when i asked what it was

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** so i said it looked like a giant flying chicken

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** and he choked on his saliva and went ASH THAT’S TAPU KOKO THE LEGENDARY ISLAND GUARDIAN

**Misty (bikeless):** sdfkjlahdfja

**Ash (#thechosenone):** i mean legendary island guardian or not. he chicken

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** not to mention he kept throwing berries at me and pikachu

**Misty (bikeless):** i can’t wait for gary to get online hes gonna lose it

**Ash (#thechosenone):** he’s a fuckin nerd he can’t say shit

**Brock (drying pan):** you know what

 **Brock (drying pan):** i might see if i can get away with doing an internship in alola

 **Brock (drying pan):** you’re on melemele island right?

**Ash (#thechosenone):** omg brock its okay

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** i mean yeah i ran into a legendary but that doesn’t mean some end of the world shit HAS to go down right?

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** …..right?

**Misty (bikeless):** can you hear me sighing all the way in kanto

**Ash (#thechosenone):** …yeah

\--

[9:44p.m.]

**_The Only Fucking Authorities In Alola_ **

**Nanu:** my kahuna senses are tingling

**Olivia:** hmmm maybe it has something to do with, oh i don’t know,

 **Olivia:** TAPU KOKO GIVING A KID A FUCKING Z RING????

 **Olivia:** and then TEACHING that kid how to use GIGAVOLT HAVOC????

**Nanu:** …

 **Nanu:** u wot mate

**Hala:** Did I forget to tell you?

**Olivia:** we saw the lightning from akala

 **Olivia:** how come when shit happens it is _always_ on melemele

**Nanu:** how did you forget to tell me this hala

 **Nanu:** you didn’t think this is information i might need to know?

**Hala:** Apologies, Nanu. It seemed to have slipped my mind.

**Nanu:** i mean i might be a shit kahuna but am i that bad that you forgot me

**Hala:** Of course not! There has been a lot of activity on Melemele, and I simply forgot. I am getting old, you know.

**Nanu:** …

**_Nanu_ ** _added **Kukui** to the chat!_

****

**Nanu:** **@Kukui** i expect you to give me the updates from now on

**Olivia:** that’s probably a good thing since the z-ring kid is staying with kukui

**Kukui:** wait what is this

 **Kukui:** oh my gods the chat name this is hilarious

 **Kukui:** officer jenny doesn’t deserve to be disrespected like this

 **Kukui:** and calling nanu an authority???? lmao

**Nanu:** …

**_Nanu_ ** _kicked **Kukui** from the chat!_

**Olivia:** this is gonna be a wild ride

 **Olivia:** i can feel it in my bones

**Nanu:** that was just you falling over

**Olivia:** fuck you nanu

\--

[2:34a.m.]

**_Gaybies_ **

**Hop (vibrator):** bruh

 **Hop (vibrator):** lee just turned bright red and _ran_ upstairs

 **Hop (vibrator):** do u think someone sent him a nude

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** it was me

**Hop (vibrator):** dammit gloria not again

 **Hop (vibrator):** why do you always send them to him and not me, the superior brother,

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** you aren’t worthy of my nudes

**Vic (softest boi):** i don’t want to think about your nudes

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** we were naked for nine months in the same womb victor

**Vic (softest boi):** and thank the hero i don’t remember it

**Hop (vibrator):** no but seriously

 **Hop (vibrator):** he has to have been sent a nude right

 **Hop (vibrator):** i’ve never seen him that panicked in my life

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** it was probably raihan

**Hop (vibrator):** what was raihan?

 **Hop (vibrator):** wait you think RAIHAN was sending nudes to LEE?

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** i mean… yea

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** they Gay

**Hop (vibrator):** yeah but not TOGETHER gay

**Vic (softest boi):** if raihan’s gay and leon’s gay then who’s flying the plane

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** hop’s wooloo

**Hop (vibrator):** there is no plane

 **Hop (vibrator):** we’re going down

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** we’re yelling timber

**Hop (vibrator):** you better stop!!!!

 **Hop (vibrator):** speaking of wooloo

 **Hop (vibrator):** do we wanna hit up the galar league this year

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** shittt i mean i still don’t have a good defense against dragon types on my team

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** i spent all weekend on route 5 and still couldn’t get my hands on an applin

**Vic (softest boi):** and i keep saying that an ice type from the wild area will give you more coverage

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** but dragons are _cooler_

**Vic (softest boi):** say that to me again after i evolve elsa into a glaceon

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** i cannot believe you’re gonna take on the galar league with nothing but eeveelutions

**Vic (softest boi):** someone’s gotta do it

**_Gloria_ ** _changed **Vic** ’s nickname to **eevee boi**!_

**Vic (eevee boi):** finally my true form

**Hop (vibrator):** okay lets make a pact right now

 **Hop (vibrator):** one more year to train up our teams and then we’re hitting the galar league whether gloria has a dragon/ice type or not

**Vic (eevee boi):** sounds good to me i’m in

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** …fuck

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** ok i’m in

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** but hop you really need to get more on your team than just wooloo and cinderace

**Hop (vibrator):** i literally could take down the whole league with just pyro ball but go off

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** tell that to dracovish’s fishious rend

**Hop (vibrator):** meet me on route one 1v1 lets go bitch

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** you’re on

**_Gloria (pom pom hat)_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Hop (vibrator)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Vic (eevee boi):** fuck

 **Vic (eevee boi):** guys its 3am

 **Vic (eevee boi):** …

 **Vic (eevee boi):** ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**_Vic (eevee boi)_ ** _has logged off!_

\--

[??:??]

**_A Legendary Disaster_ **

**Celebi (smol bean):** and that’s why i kicked regigigas out of the chat

_**Ash**_ _has logged in!_

**Ash:** **@TapuKoko** SQUARE UP YOU CHICKEN HEADED BERRY ASS THROWING BITCH

**Celebi (smol bean):** i-

**Mewtwo (clone grandma):** i’m sorry what

**TapuLele (mischief managed):** LMAOOOOOOOO

 **TapuLele (mischief managed):** pls i want to see ash punch koko in the face

**Mewtwo (clone grandma):** how does ash even have access to this

 **Mewtwo (clone grandma):** its technically a telepathic wavelength,, half of us don’t have opposable thumbs

**Kyogre (washin me and my clothes):** i think you’re the only one of us with thumbs

**Mewtwo (clone grandma):** i hate that

**Ash:** IM SERIOUS

 **Ash:** SQUARE UP!!! YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME!!! DEW IT

**Lugia (beastie):** my child when did you get so violent

**Ash:** when im getting fuckin ghosted by this dumb ass lookin legendary THOT that’s when

**Kyogre (washin me and my clothes):** he’s not wrong

 **Kyogre (washin me and my clothes):** koko is pretty chicken-esque

**Mewtwo (clone grandma):** what the fuck is a chicken

**Celebi (smol bean):** like a really boring torchic that can’t speak

**Mewtwo (clone grandma):** ew

**TapuLele (mischief managed):** the funniest part of all this is that koko can hear all of this

 **TapuLele (mischief managed):** and he’s choosing not to respond

 **TapuLele (mischief managed):** bc he’s highkey scared of a 17yo human

**Moltres (smoke detector):** i mean aren’t all of us

**Mewtwo (clone grandma):** i’m not

 **Mewtwo (clone grandma):** and i killed him once

**Mew (grandma):** in fairness that was an accident on both our parts

 **Mew (grandma):** i still feel terrible about it

**Ash:** its ok grandma i’m not mad at you

 **Ash:** tapu fuckin koko tho can CATCH THESE HANDS

 **Ash:** STOP THROWING BERRIES AT ME

 **Ash:** AND BEING WEIRD AND CRYPTIC

 **Ash:** AND JUST HAVE A FUCKING CONVERSATION

**TapuLele (mischief managed):** nah that aint koko’s style

**Yveltal (hot topic):** **@Ash** do you want me to like… come to alola

**Ash:** that’s sweet of you but i’m ok

 **Ash:** i’ll hunt him down myself if i need to

 **Ash:** and trust me . i’m nearing that point

**TapuLele (mischief managed): @TapuKoko** haha ur fucked

**TapuKoko (kokeko):** where’s necrozma when you need them

**TapuLele (mischief managed):** having a well earned nap in ultra space

**TapuKoko (kokeko):** but for like… a thousand years ? seems unnecessary

**Ash:** bitch are you really going to ignore me

 **Ash:** i am RIGHT HERE

 **Ash:** and i can get granddad the literal creator of the universe to kick your ass if i need to

**_Arceus (granddad)_ ** _has logged in!_

**Arceus (granddad):** It’s true, Koko. I would do anything for my grandson.

 **Arceus (granddad):** _A N Y T H I N G_

**Mewtwo (clone grandma):** that’s the biggest lie i’ve ever heard

**TapuKoko (kokeko):** yeet

**_TapuKoko (kokeko)_ ** _has logged off!_

****

**Ash:** fuckin seriously

**TapuLele (mischief managed):** what a weenie

 **TapuLele (mischief managed):** go kick his ass **@Arceus**

**Arceus (granddad):** with pleasure

**_Arceus (granddad)_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Ash_ ** _has changed **TapuKoko** ’s nickname to **chicken looking mf**!_

**Ash:** sweet revenge

 **Ash:** bye grandma love you

**Mew (grandma):** love you too honey! say hi to pikachu for me!

**_Ash_ ** _has logged off!_

**Celebi (smol bean):** …

 **Celebi (smol bean):** anyway about regigigas

\--

[12:58a.m.]

**_the way we all have a crush on ash ketchum_ **

**Mallow (marsh):** uh

 **Mallow (marsh):** did anyone else just hear something that sounded like the legendary melemele island guardian tapu koko get murdered or

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** yeah i heard it too?

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** i hope it’s okay

**Lana (blub blub):** maybe ash punched it like he said he would

**Mallow (marsh):** ash said he wanted to punch tapu koko???

 **Mallow (marsh):** PLS say kidding

**Lana (blub blub):** yeah after he called tapu koko ‘berry boiiiii’ and told it to stop dropping berries on his head

**Mallow (marsh):** suddenly i don’t have a crush on him anymore

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** that’s a lie

**Mallow (marsh):** yeah it is :/

 **Mallow (marsh):** honestly i can’t stand him

**Lana (blub blub):** we’ve known him for like a week

 **Lana (blub blub):** and i might be melemele’s biggest lesbian but it’s a fucking mood

**Mallow (marsh):** to have both a crush on ash ketchum and to also want to constantly facepalm at literally anything he does?

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** hahahahaha

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** got it in one

**Mallow (marsh):** we all out here with dumb ass crushes on him and soph is out here just _really_ wanting to be ash’s friend

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** i mean when it comes down to it that’s really all a crush is

**Mallow (marsh):** …

 **Mallow (marsh):** o worm

**_Kiawe (wela volcano)_ ** _has logged on!_

**Kiawe (wela volcano):** can yall pls be quiet

**_Kiawe (wela volcano)_ ** _has muted chat notifications!_

 **_Kiawe (wela volcano)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Lana (blub blub):** oop

\--

[11:02a.m.]

**_leg so hot you fry an egg_ **

**Leon (leg so hot):** my dude

 **Leon (leg so hot):** my guy

 **Leon (leg so hot):** light of my life that isn’t hop

 **Leon (leg so hot):** are u fucking kabu

**Raihan (hot hot leg):** eye-

 **Raihan (hot hot leg):** what

**Leon (leg so hot):** it’s a simple yes or no question raihan

 **Leon (leg so hot):** are

 **Leon (leg so hot):** you

 **Leon (leg so hot):** fucking

 **Leon (leg so hot):** kabu

**Raihan (hot hot leg):** why would you think that

**Leon (leg so hot):** bc he went Full daddy on you the other day

 **Leon (leg so hot):** and also nessa is usually right abt these things

**Raihan (hot hot leg):** i can’t believe this

**Leon (leg so hot):** OK BUT YOU HAVENT ACTUALLY ANSWERED MY QUESTION

 **Leon (leg so hot):** rai

**Raihan (hot hot leg):** lee

**Leon (leg so hot):** RAI

**Raihan (hot hot leg):** LEE

**Leon (leg so hot):** …

 **Leon (leg so hot):** listen i mean its ok if u are

 **Leon (leg so hot):** hes hot

 **Leon (leg so hot):** hahahahahahahaha i mean

 **Leon (leg so hot):** he is the fire gym leader . but also weirdly attractive for an older guy with those mad cheekbones

 **Leon (leg so hot):** also when his eyes do the flame thing?

 **Leon (leg so hot):** dan nicky ur bobbies

**Raihan (hot hot leg):** i hate you

**_Raihan (hot hot leg)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Leon (leg so hot):** NO COME BACK

 **Leon (leg so hot):** ANSWER MY QUESTION YOU COWARD!!!!!

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just testing the waters to see if there's anyone interested in this fic - please drop a comment below if you'd like more! I'll eventually include past characters like Clemont, May, Dawn, etc. but those seasons are really fuzzy atm and I need to do a big rewatch, so it'll mostly be the Kanto bunch with USUM and SWSH characters. 
> 
> If you're confused about anything, it'll probably come to make sense later, but please drop a comment if you're _really_ confused.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy with the positive response that this fic has received so far! Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments, I really appreciate it! And now: onwards with the chaos.

\--

[2:59p.m.]

**_fuck all ya’ll_ **

**Ash (twerp):** so

 **Ash (twerp):** what is up with that bewear

**Jessie (trouble):** what is up with you reminding me this chat exists

**Ash (twerp):** wow rude

 **Ash (twerp):** you’d think after chasing me around for like seven years you’d be less annoying

**Misty (twerpette):** and yet

**Ash (twerp):** and yet.

**Misty (twerpette):** wait

 **Misty (twerpette):** team rocket are in alola????

**Ash (twerp):** unfortunately

**Jessie (trouble):** contrary to your belief we aren’t actually here for you

 **Jessie (trouble):** but since you’re also here

 **Jessie (trouble):** we’ll continue to steal your pikachu

**Ash (twerp):** i think you mean _try_ to steal pikachu

 **Ash (twerp):** which, by the way, you never have

 **Ash (twerp):** its kind of sad

**James (double):** what else are we meant to do

 **James (double):** would you rather we operate the same as the rest of team rocket?

**Ash (twerp):** what does that mean?

**Jessie (trouble):** yes, james, what _does_ that mean?

**James (double):** we don’t exactly have any other career options

 **James (double):** we’re doing the absolute minimum to still receive paychecks while not having to be completely inhumane like the team rocket higher-ups

 **James (double):** or have you already forgotten about cinnabar island?

**Ash (twerp):** …

**Brock (tall twerp):** not to butt in on this conversation that i’ve definitely not been lurking in

 **Brock (tall twerp):** but you’ve got at least five successful career options you could switch over to that you’ve used as disguises

 **Brock (tall twerp):** you might be terrible at stealing pokemon but you’re brilliant at cooking and baking, contests, and running events

 **Brock (tall twerp):** not to mention that you’re both fantastic mc’s

**Jessie (trouble):** …

 **Jessie (trouble):** sounds boring

 **Jessie (trouble):** not to mention that meowth would kill us

 **Jessie (trouble):** it’s his dream to be the boss’ lap meowth and replace that asshole persian

**Ash (twerp):** more of an asshole persian than the one here?

 **Ash (twerp):** sounds fake

**James (double):** honestly… we have no idea

 **James (double):** meowth has a very personal grudge but we’ve never met it

**Misty (twerpette):** wait hang on back up

 **Misty (twerpette):** i just realised something

 **Misty (twerpette):** it’s been seven years since we all met

 **Misty (twerpette):** and you’re only a few years older than me and brock

 **Misty (twerpette):** so… how old were both of you when you joined team rocket?

**James (double):** around 15

**Ash (twerp):** …

 **Ash (twerp):** seriously

 **Ash (twerp):** how have i not realised that before now

 **Ash (twerp):** you were kids!!!

**Jessie (trouble):** oh you’re one to talk

 **Jessie (trouble):** so it’s fine that you’ve been saving the world since you were ten years old and dealing with the bosses of multiple criminal organisations because you’re _satoshi ketchum_ but we can’t have made a valid choice because we didn’t choose to be _heroes_

 **Jessie (trouble):** give me a BREAK from your righteous grandstanding, twerp

**Ash (twerp):** whoa i didn’t mean it like that

**Jessie (trouble):** james and i were both legal adults when we made the decision to join team rocket and though we might not want to get involved in some of the more unsavory acts that our superiors in the organisation do, we are more than happy and content with our lot in life

 **Jessie (trouble):** even if it does mean getting shocked by your stupidly powerful little rat every week

**_Jessie (trouble)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Ash (twerp):** shit

**James (double):** you hit a nerve there, twerp

 **James (double):** you aren’t wrong

 **James (double):** but there’s nothing you can do about it. we don’t want your ‘help’

**_James (double)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Misty (twerpette):** …

 **Misty (twerpette):** keep an eye on them please?

**Ash (twerp):** i always do

 **Ash (twerp):** even if they are the most annoying people on the planet

\--

[9:12p.m.]

**_the way we all have a crush on ash ketchum_ **

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** hey so remember how i have that habit of internet stalking everyone that i become friends with

**Kiawe (wela volcano):** unfortunately

**Lillie (of the valley):** Yes.

 **Lillie (of the valley):** Quite vividly.

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** haha..

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** awkward

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** you know i’m sorry about that lillie

**Lillie (of the valley):** If you really were sorry about it, Sophocles, you’d stop doing it.

 **Lillie (of the valley):** Or at least you won’t confront Ash about anything publicly.

 **Lillie (of the valley):** Like you did with me.

 **Lillie (of the valley):** Reminding me of how my brother _abandoned_ me.

**Lana (blub blub):** if i ever get my hands on gladion it’s on sight

**Lillie (of the valley):** It’s alright, Lana. I’m quite over it.

 **Lillie (of the valley):** You were saying, Sophocles?

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** wow i wish i could awkwardly clear my throat through text

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** anyway

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** you know how ash says some like… weird stuff, but _super_ casually?

**Kiawe (wela volcano):** like about how his friends back in kanto would be mad that he ran into a legendary pokemon and it gave him a z-crystal?

 **Kiawe (wela volcano):** or how those team rocket people have been following him for years because apparently his pikachu is super powerful?

 **Kiawe (wela volcano):** or how he deadass JUMPED OFF A CLIFF the other day to save said pikachu?

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** yes exactly

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** so upon looking him up by full name – which is satoshi ketchum, by the way - apparently ash is his galarian name that he uses outside of the kanto/johto/hoenn/sinnoh regions and is not actually his legal name

**Mallow (marsh):** WHAT?

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** i found out that he’s in a bunch of articles and featured in some seriously cool research papers all over the world

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** he’s competed in every single pokemon league

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** and has gotten into the top four in pretty much all of them

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** and may or may not be the champion of somewhere called the orange islands, which is apparently a minor league, but still technically counts

**Kiawe (wela volcano):** WHAT?

 **Kiawe (wela volcano):** YOU MEAN I’VE BEEN BATTLING HIM NEARLY EVERY DAY AND HE’S A CHAMPION????

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** and he was runner up in last year’s kalos league and only just lost out when they were both on their last pokemon

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** so he’s like, absurdly talented

**Kiawe (wela volcano):** he’s the runner up to the kalos league and he’s battling _me_???

 **Kiawe (wela volcano):** he must’ve had full teams for all of that though, he couldn’t get through it with just pikachu

 **Kiawe (wela volcano):** but he doesn’t have any others?

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** some of the footage of the battles are still up on the league websites, mostly the semifinals and finals, as well as highlight reels, but from what i gather he’s had pikachu and then a team comprised of pokemon from each of the regions

**Lana (blub blub):** wait so he must have… at least thirty pokemon???

 **Lana (blub blub):** all at competitive battling level??????

**Mallow (marsh):** i am . so lost

**Lillie (of the valley):** I too am finding this difficult.

 **Lillie (of the valley):** It does explain, potentially, why Tapu Koko is so interested in Ash, and why it wanted to personally train him with a Z-Ring.

 **Lillie (of the valley):** I don’t imagine that it’s too common for people to attempt all of the current leagues and get so far in them. At least from what I’ve read.

**Kiawe (wela volcano):** you’re totally right lillie

 **Kiawe (wela volcano):** i mean the only people i can think of who’ve challenged most leagues would be people like cynthia

 **Kiawe (wela volcano):** who are mega famous and definitely not a random 17yo attending the melemele pokemon school

**Mallow (marsh):** this is crazy?????

 **Mallow (marsh):** like ash in absolutely no way gives off vibes that he’s done any of this

 **Mallow (marsh):** and to be completely honest he’s kind of an idiot sometimes

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** and there’s far more information about him that i haven’t read through yet

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** this is just from my initial search, and the first two or three pages that came up when i searched his name. there’s at least ten more to go

**Kiawe (wela volcano):** i need to sleep

 **Kiawe (wela volcano):** this is way too much information to be given

**Lillie (of the valley):** Sophocles, as much as I disapprove of your methods, could you please link me to the most pertinent of your research so far? I am very interested to see what Ash has accomplished.

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** sure

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** i’m just confused about why he hasn’t told any of us

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** i don’t even think kukui knows because surely he’d be asking ash more about type matchups and battle techniques in class if he did, right?

**Lillie (of the valley):** Perhaps he doesn’t want anyone perceiving him in a different light.

 **Lillie (of the valley):** Or perhaps it simply doesn’t seem important to him in Alola. He is awfully interested in Z-Moves and the Island Challenge and learning all he can about our island and culture, and is rather carefree. He might want a fresh start, or something similar?

 **Lillie (of the valley):** Whatever his reasoning, Sophocles, you shouldn’t question him about it. This is clearly information he wants to keep private, and he should be allowed to share it with us when he wishes.

 **Lillie (of the valley):** Do you understand?

**Marsh (mallow):** DAMN lillie go off!!!!

**Lana (blub blub):** that’s our girl!!!

**Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** roger that commander lillie

 **Sophocles (bzzzzzz):** you are really scary sometimes you know that?

**Lillie (of the valley):** I’ve been told that I get it from my mother.

\--

[6:33p.m.]

**_Gaybies_ **

**Vic (eevee boi):** please tell me i didn’t just overhear the phone call i just did

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** what uhhhhhh

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** what call did you overhear

**Vic (eevee boi):** oh i don’t know

 **Vic (eevee boi):** something about my TWIN SISTER and BEST FRIEND being ARRESTED???? for trying to get into the LAKE OF OUTRAGE????

**Hop (vibrator):** in my defense

 **Hop (vibrator):** lee said it’d be fine

**Vic (eevee boi):** and when have you EVER been able to trust anything leon says

 **Vic (eevee boi):** i love him but hes an idiot

 **Vic (eevee boi):** mostly bc he has no idea how the world works since he’s been the champion since he was like 14 and has had chairman rose doing everything for him in the decade since which is kind of disturbing if you think about it long enough

 **Vic (eevee boi):** but anyway

 **Vic (eevee boi):** WHAT THE FUCK YALL

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** watch your fucking language victor

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** i won’t have my baby brother speaking like that in this household

**Vic (eevee boi):** okay first you’re older by _seven minutes_

 **Vic (eevee boi):** and SECOND

 **Vic (eevee boi):** we arent in the same household because you’re at the POLICE! STATION!

**_Vic_ ** _added **Leon** to the chat!_

**Vic (eevee boi):** answer for your fucking crimes

**Leon:** okay in my defense

 **Leon:** raihan said it’d be fine

**Vic (eevee boi):** does stupid run in the family

**_Vic_ ** _added **Raihan** to the chat!_

**Vic (eevee boi):** answer for your fucking crimes

**Hop (vibrator):** how- how do you even have raihan’s contact details

 **Hop (vibrator):** wait how did you even have _lee’s_ contact details???

**Leon:** i want to know why my little brother’s nickname is _vibrator_

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** because he doesn’t stop fucking VIBRATING

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** in PUBLIC no less its EMBARRASSING

**Hop (vibrator):** fuck you im just excitable

**Raihan:** uhhhhhh

 **Raihan:** what????

 **Raihan:** lee who are these lost sassy children

**Vic (eevee boi):** they’re the ones who just got arrested for trespassing on the lake of outrage because apparently they thought it would be fine since leon said that you said it would be okay

**Raihan:** ohhhhhhhhhh

 **Raihan:** yeah i said it was okay for lee not, like, for anyone else

**Leon:** you literally never said that

**Raihan:** yes i literally did

**Leon:** then how come whenever we’re there, there’s always other people showing up and joining us ! and they don’t get arrested!!!

**Raihan:** because they’re the other GYM LEADERS you absolute bellend

 **Raihan:** the lake of outrage is a protected dragon sanctuary for the hero’s sake why did you think it was completely cut off from the rest of the wild area

**Leon:** b-

 **Leon:** because i just thought the dragons liked it more there

 **Leon:** also i’ve seen a haxorus at axew’s eye like every time i’ve been past

**Raihan:** i mean its not like we trap them there

 **Raihan:** if they want to leave the lake of outrage we don’t exactly force them to stay

 **Raihan:** but most of them prefer the solitude and we can make sure their population numbers stay stable without hundreds of trainers from around galar trying to get their sweaty hands on dragon types just to shove them into a box and only get them out again when they’re trying to show off

**Leon:** …

**Raihan:** sorry i . get heated about it

**Vic (eevee boi):** and i feel u i really do but can you please get my sister and dumbass best friend out of hammerlocke police custody . before her lucario attempts to break them out himself

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** he’s such a good boy he really is! and he’ll do it!

**Hop (vibrator):** so that’s why that one pokeball is shaking madly over there

 **Hop (vibrator):** i think it’s scaring officer jenny

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** it’s vibrating just like you

**Hop (vibrator):** what have i done in my life to deserve this slander

**Vic (eevee boi):** illegal trespassing

**Raihan:** i will get them out of custody if you promise to never invite me back into this chat

 **Raihan:** i don’t even know who you are

**Vic (eevee boi):** trust me. you will.

**Raihan:** 👀

**_Raihan_ ** _has left the chat!_

**Leon:** well that was terrifying

 **Leon:** remind me to never get onto your bad side victor

 **Leon:** and i’ll go with raihan . sorry for the miscommunication

 **Leon:** see you in a few **@Hop**

**_Leon_ ** _has left the chat!_

****

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** oh my gods

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** vic you just lowkey threatened a gym leader

**Vic (eevee boi):** i’m aware of what i’ve done

 **Vic (eevee boi):** unlike you

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** …

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** you’re going to lord this over me forever aren’t you

**Vic (eevee boi):** oh absolutely

 **Vic (eevee boi):** i think at this point you have to give up on getting a jangmo-o or dreepy and just get an ice type for your team

 **Vic (eevee boi):** an abomasnow or froslass would round out your team nicely

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** you say this to me with nine pokemon that are only eevee or eeveelutions

**Vic (eevee boi):** that’s nearly full type coverage hon

 **Vic (eevee boi):** i’m just giving myself a single-type disadvantage to make the league an actual challenge

**Hop (vibrator):** i’d argue against that but one (1) rock type would do 4x damage against lee’s gmax charizard so…

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** well you already know i’m going to do the whole league challenge spikemuth style

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** so i guess we’ll see who the best twin really is

**Vic (eevee boi):** oh you’re on

**Hop (vibrator):** mom pick me up i’m scared

\--

[??:??]

**_A Legendary Disaster_ **

**Xerneas (oh deer):** Hm.

 **Xerneas (oh deer):** Does anyone want to tell me why I’m getting some super weird vibes coming from another dimension?

 **Xerneas (oh deer): @Giratina** is this you?

**Giratina (uwu):** probably not

 **Giratina (uwu):** why do yall always think its me when **@Yveltal** and **@Darkrai** are right there

**Dialga (timey wimey):** because its usually one of you three emo triplets

**Yveltal (hot topic):** bro who the fuck are you calling emo

 **Yveltal (hot topic):** its goth and it’s a lifestyle

**Palkia (spacey wacey):** im pretty sure it’s coming from ultra space

 **Palkia (spacey wacey):** so we should be calling out **@Solgaleo @Lunala**

**Lugia (beastie):** it’d better not be necrozma

 **Lugia (beastie):** i’m too old to deal with their shit

**Eternatus (edgelord):** at least you arent trapped in a fucking weird sphere being force fed wishing stars by some weird dude with a suit fetish

 **Eternatus (edgelord):** this is the worst

**Xerneas (oh deer):** Oh, Eternatus!

 **Xerneas (oh deer):** How are you doing, darling? That doesn’t sound too fun at all!

**Eternatus (edgelord):** it sucks

 **Eternatus (edgelord):** but i’ll deal with it

 **Eternatus (edgelord):** can’t wait to inevitably have the shit beaten out of me by the dog bros

 **Eternatus (edgelord):** as is my lot in life

**Mewtwo (clone grandma):** you’re so fucking depressing

 **Mewtwo (clone grandma):** and that’s coming from me

**Xerneas (oh deer):** If we could please stop roasting each other and get back on track?

 **Xerneas (oh deer):** **@Solgaleo @Lunala** are you two the ones causing the weird vibes?

**Lunala (yue):** its fucking solgaleo

 **Lunala (yue):** he’s planning something weird

 **Lunala (yue):** i have no idea what it is but god dammit will i be participating

 **Lunala (yue):** ultra space is _so boring_

**Giratina (uwu):** come join me in the distortion world

**Lunala (yue):** i’d rather die but thanks

**Giratina (uwu):** you know what that’s fair

 **Giratina (uwu):** have a nice day

**Lunala (yue):** anyway you’ll probably hear from ash about it

**Mewtwo (clone grandma):** that poor kid

**Xerneas (oh deer):** In that case, **@Reshiram @Zekrom @Kyurem** will be the closest to the Alola region if he needs help.

 **Xerneas (oh deer):** Since apparently **@Eternatus** is being a sugar baby to a human and **@Zacian** and **@Zamazenta** are indefinitely napping.

**Eternatus (edgelord):** i am NOT a sugar baby

 **Eternatus (edgelord):** that would require some level of consent!!

 **Eternatus (edgelord):** and humans are not my type

 **Eternatus (edgelord):** at least not this one

**Xerneas (oh deer):** Keep telling yourself that, honey.

\--

[4:02p.m.]

**_OG Badasses_ **

****

****

**Ash (#thechosenone):** omg guys

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** im so fucking gay

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** i just met the cutest boy

**Gary (smell ya):** and let me guess

 **Gary (smell ya):** he’s got a boatload of issues and enough baggage to have to pay extra for a plane ticket

**Ash (#thechosenone):** oh yeah

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** he’s got a midnight forme lycanrock, massive family dysfunction, lots of ear piercings, and his younger sister is one of my best friends in alola

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** did i mention he essentially abandoned said sister a few years ago because she’s terrified of touching pokemon and he blames himself?

**Gary (smell ya):** for fuck’s sake satoshi

**Ash (#thechosenone):** he’s _perfect_

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So maybe I'm making this a little angstier than the show. Still not as angsty as the game, but... yeah.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone so much for the love and support this fic has received! It's my first time writing for the PKMN fandom and I'm so stoked by how welcoming everyone is <3

[7:45a.m.]  
  


 **_Piers_ ** _started a new chat with **Bea**!_

**Piers:** hey uh

 **Piers:** so i just found allister like? passed out on the side of the road?

 **Piers:** and he isnt breathing and looks very dead???

**Bea:** o yea he do that sometimes

 **Bea:** bring him back here we’ll chuck him on ice

**Piers:** i

 **Piers:** why are you not worried abt this

**Bea:** ????

 **Bea:** because he’s dead????

**Piers:** yes he is that’s why im trying not to FREAK OUT, BEATRICE!!!!

 **Piers:** i am next to the CORPSE of a 12yo!!!!!!

**Bea:** Do Not Call Me That

 **Bea:** but think about it idiot

 **Bea:** how long has be BEEN a twelve year old

 **Bea:** how long have we been swapping out as stow-on-side leader

**Piers:** idk for like

 **Piers:** wait

 **Piers:** what the fuck

 **Piers:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **Piers:** IM SO CONFUSED

**Bea:** how many literal dead boy jokes did we have to make?

 **Bea:** i thought all the league knew by now

**Piers:** i mean

 **Piers:** i thought it was just an ongoing joke about his aesthetic

 **Piers:** but then why is he passed out on the side of the road

**Bea:** he doesn’t have a great hold on his body

**Piers:** Bea What The Fuck Does That Mean

**Bea:** hes a ghost possessing his own body

 **Bea:** but he doesn’t always have a good grasp on his own body

 **Bea:** hence why he kinda shuffles around and isnt great at typing

**Piers:** i thought he was just really passionate about his spooky ghost gym leader aesthetic

**Bea:** oh he is

 **Bea:** but hes also just . mcfuckin dead

**Piers:** huh

 **Piers:** so where is his ? ghost ? now ?

**Bea:** idk probably fuckin off somewhere in the stratosphere

 **Bea:** bring his body back to stow-on-side we have a freezer that’s perfectly allister sized

 **Bea:** this isnt the first time this has happened

**Piers:** ffs

 **Piers:** do i want to know how often this happens?

**Bea:** at least once a month

 **Bea:** but usually he’s heading to ballonlea to see opal for tea and the locals all know what to do if they find him in glimwood tangle

 **Bea:** and by the locals i mean the pokemon

 **Bea:** fairy and ghost types are very similar at figuring out what goes on with him

**Piers:** so why did i find him on rt7???

**Bea:** he might’ve been going to see nessa

 **Bea:** he usually goes the long way around the wild area just in case something like this happens he doesn’t want some high level pokemon making off with his body bc its difficult for him to find it again

**Piers:** hhhhhh

 **Piers:** ok me and marnie are on the way

**Bea:** marnie is with you?

 **Bea:** is she okay?

**Piers:** yeah

 **Piers:** she says ‘everything makes so much sense now’ and ‘hurry up piers i don’t want him to start decomposing’ and ‘can you please stop typing and get off your fucking phone you useless millennial’

**Bea:** sjkdfhdsalfaf;

 **Bea:** ill message nessa and let her know that allister wont make it

 **Bea:** see you soon

 **Bea:** and thanks for taking care of him

**Piers:** no probs lil angry one

 **Piers:** haha

**_Piers_ ** _changed **Bea** ’s nickname to **little angry one**!_

**Bea (little angry one):** accurate

**_Bea_ ** _changed **Piers** ’s nickname to **tall exhausted one**!_

**Piers (tall exhausted one):** oof

 **Piers (tall exhausted one):** eta half an hour

\--

[9:57a.m.]

**_Gaybies_ **

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** so you remember how im constantly sad about not actually having a dracovish that can learn fishious rend and basically wipe out any team

**Hop (vibrator):** and that’s the only reason my cinderace is alive, yes

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** WELL GET READY TO PLAN A FUNERAL

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** BC THE DIGGING BROS JUST GOT ME SOME FOSSILS!!!

**Hop (vibrator):** fuck

 **Hop (vibrator):** wait does this mean you have a full competitive team now

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** pretty much!

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** lucario, corviknight, centiskorch, hatenna, haunter and now dracovish! still have to train up my baby toxel so i can swap out if i need to for type matchups but!!!! a bitch is ready to take on the league in a year!

**Vic (eevee boi):** meanwhile hop still only has his wooloo and cinderace

**Hop (vibrator):** fuck you i don’t need any more pokemon

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** oh you wont be saying that in a few months

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** my dracovish is _fast_

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** only one perfect iv but he got that jolly nature!!!

**Hop (vibrator):** you have a fucking jolly nature 31 speed iv dracovish

 **Hop (vibrator):** fuck

 **Hop (vibrator):** fuck fuck fuck fuck

 **Hop (vibrator):** sorry vic change of plans im spending the next _week_ in the wild area

**Gloria (pom pom hat):** LMAOOOO U GOIN DOWN

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** U YELLIN TIMBERRRRRR

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** U BETTER MOVEEEEEEEE

 **Gloria (pom pom hat):** U BETTER TRAINNNNNN

**_Gloria_ ** _**(pom pom hat)** has been muted!_

**Hop (vibrator):** sweet sweet silence

**Vic (eevee boi):** just wait

**Hop (vibrator):** ???

 **Hop (vibrator):** wait

 **Hop (vibrator):** oh my god gloria SHUT UP!!!

 **Hop (vibrator):** EVERYONE IN POSTWICK CAN HEAR YOUR WARBLING!!!

 **Hop (vibrator):** fuck this im leaving now

**Vic (eevee boi):** im coming with you

 **Vic (eevee boi):** i need an ice stone for elsa and i think luna wants to evolve soon

**Hop (vibrator):** see you in a few babe x

**_Hop (vibrator)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Vic (eevee boi):** …

 **Vic (eevee boi):** what did you just call me

\--

[1:13p.m.]

**_OG Badasses_ **

**Misty (bikeless):** omg **@Ash @Ash @Ash**

 **Misty (bikeless):** log the fuck on

**_Ash (#thechosenone)_ ** _has logged on!_

**Ash (#thechosenone):** bruh what

**Misty (bikeless):** you know how brock used to do his gym leader pose

 **Misty (bikeless):** with his arms crossed like an x over his chest???

**Ash (#thechosenone):** yea

**Misty (bikeless):** he did it for a kid who recognised him today

 **Misty (bikeless):** and this kid fucking does it back and whispers _wakanda forever_

**Ash (#thechosenone):** SKDJALHDALKDL:A”DKJHAFA

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** OH MYG ODS

**Brock (drying pan):** i want to die

**Gary (smell ya):** this is literally the best thing ive ever heard in my life

 **Gary (smell ya):** i cant believe brock is wakandan

**_Ash_ ** _changed the chat name to **i can’t believe brock is wakandan**!_

**Ash (#thechosenone):** perfect

**Brock (drying pan):** kill me

 **Brock (drying pan):** arceus release me from this hell

**Ash (#thechosenone):** no can do buddy i need my emotional support kanto boy

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** i need a takesato reunion

**Brock (drying pan):** you’ve only been gone for a few weeks

**Ash (#thechosenone):** did i fucking stutter

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** i need some of that sweet sweet wakandan energy

**Brock (drying pan):** wow and just when i thought you were going to be nice for once

**Ash (#thechosenone):** im never nice

**Gary (smell ya):** LMAOOOO

**Misty (bikeless):** LMAOOOOOOO

**Brock (drying pan):** LMAOOOOOOOOO

**Ash (#thechosenone):** shut up

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** im intimidating as hell

**Gary (smell ya):** as about as intimidating as a snom

**Ash (#thechosenone):** you’re in galar???

**Gary (smell ya):** yeah running some errands for prof rowan

 **Gary (smell ya):** but prof magnolia is … weird

 **Gary (smell ya):** her assistant is cool tho

 **Gary (smell ya):** like if misty put an effort into her appearance

**Misty (bikeless):** i will personally fly to galar to strangle you to death shigeru

**Gary (smell ya):** please do

 **Gary (smell ya):** i cannot understand what anyone is saying

 **Gary (smell ya):** my galarian isnt terrible but what the fuck are half of these accents

 **Gary (smell ya):** im convinced that spikemuth has just another language entirely

 **Gary (smell ya):** but there’s a really cool dragon sanctuary that i’m visiting tomorrow that you have to get special permits for

 **Gary (smell ya):** some kids got arrested the other week for trying to trespass there

**Misty (bikeless):** oh!

 **Misty (bikeless):** is that the place that you can get that water/dragon pokemon that’s ridiculously powerful?

**Gary (smell ya):** dracovish? nah that’s a fossil pokemon

 **Gary (smell ya):** if i can get my hands on some ill let you know though

**Misty (bikeless):** thank you!!!!!!

**Ash (#thechosenone):** i get whiplash from you two

**Gary (smell ya):** sorry im not into that

**Ash (#thechosenone):** i forgot you’re only into sad missionary at 8pm in the dark

**Gary (smell ya):** that’s _loving_ missionary at 8pm in the dark thank you very much

 **Gary (smell ya):** at least i don’t need to be punched in the face to get off

**Ash (#thechosenone):** i cant believe youre kinkshaming my imaginary kink

**Brock (drying pan):** i don’t want to think about your kinks thank you i had to suffer through your years of puberty

**Ash (#thechosenone):** ah yes

 **Ash (#thechoseone):** at least we were mostly distracted by trying to save the world every other month or so

**Misty (bikeless):** speaking of puberty

 **Misty (bikeless):** how about that boy????

**Ash (#thechosenone):** omg it’s a mess and hes beautiful

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** his name is gladion and he doesn’t own a single item of clothing that isnt artfully ripped

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** his whole family is messed up like. his sister lillie aka one of my friends here has this debilitating fear of touching pokemon and she’s only just been able to touch pikachu, and the only other one she can is her own vulpix

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** which btw is alolan so its an ice type!!

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** i think their dad is dead and their mother is the ceo of this crazy huge company in alola and she doesn’t even live at home, and gladion doesn’t either bc he blames himself for lillie not being able to touch pokemon so she feels abandoned by her whole family

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** but its obvious he loves lillie so much but thinks that being away from her is what he deserves even though its hurting her more in the long run he cant see that

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** and he cares so much about his pokemon and im so gay

**Misty (bikeless):** oh dear

 **Misty (bikeless):** you’re in deep

**Ash (#thechosenone):** oh you have no idea

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** anyway g2g i gotta make sure rockruff is ok its been acting weird recently

**Misty (bikeless):** please take care

**Ash (#thechosenone):** i always do!

**Gary (smell ya):** liar

\--

[10:22p.m.]  
  


 **_Nessa_ ** _created **Chat Room**!_

 **_Nessa_ ** _added **Melony** , **Allister** , **Bea** , **Gordie** , **Milo** , **Opal**!_

 **_Nessa_ ** _renamed room **who the fuck is raihan sleeping with**!_

**Nessa:** please im losing my mind

 **Nessa:** so im starting this investigative squad

 **Nessa:** to figure out if raihan is sleeping with kabu, leon, or piers

 **Nessa:** or all three of them

**Milo:** i don’t want to be here

**Nessa:** too bad bucko we need all hands on deck

**Allister:** i dontt want to be here eithe r

 **Allister:** als o im underage

**Nessa:** nice try fucker we all know that you’re at least 25

**Allister:** shi t

**Opal:** Gosh, now this is exciting!

 **Opal:** I’d put my money on Piers. Leon will be, as you young ones say, ‘endgame’.

**Bea:** bruh i cant believe opal ships raileon

**Nessa:** wait **@Opal** you think raihan is like just fwb with piers but will like, marry leon?

 **Nessa:** i can see that

**Milo:** i really can’t see raihan and kabu being a thing and im not sure how anyone came to this conclusion but im scared

 **Milo:** but also piers and raihan definitely have _something_ going on

**Gordie:** kbdnz endgame

**Milo:** bless you

**Gordie:** no you gym bunnelby it’s the ship name for raihan/leon/piers using their kantonian names

**Milo:** ohhhh

 **Milo:** i forgot we had those tbh

 **Milo:** why wouldn’t they just use the galarian names?

**Bea:** milo why don’t you try coming up with a portmanteau for raihan leon and piers

 **Bea:** it’s a mess no matter which way you spin it

**Milo:** railers

 **Milo:** WAIT NO I-

**Bea:** SKADJLJHASDKA THAT’S CERTAINLY ACCURATE

**Nessa:** oh my gods milo i love you

**Milo:** fuck

 **Milo:** im an idiot

**Nessa:** officially requesting to change kbdnz to railers

**Gordie:** ok but what if:

 **Gordie:** raihan harem

 **Gordie:** …raiharem

**Nessa:** FUK

 **Nessa:** so we think all 3 again?

**Opal:** I wouldn’t be too sure about Kabu, lovelies.

 **Opal:** Raihan is certainly his ‘type’, but Kabu would certainly not allow Raihan to begin anything with him due to his own age. He is of the belief that he would be too old.

 **Opal:** Which is ridiculous, look at the man.

 **Opal:** Those cheekbones are sharper than an Aerial Ace.

**Allister:** hav e you MET raihan

**Melony:** You make a good point, Allister.

 **Melony:** Both Raihan and Kabu are both incredibly stubborn boys.

**Milo:** why do you all even care this much anyway

**Nessa:** bc wtf else are we meant to do with our lives milo

**Milo:** go on dates with ur gf???

**Nessa:** i wish :/

 **Nessa:** she’s spending time with this dorky researcher from sinnoh and theyre getting all excited about geeky stuff

 **Nessa:** which is cute when its just her and me without this complete LOSER in the way

**Gordie:** wow ness it sounds like ur jealous

**Nessa:** only of someone else monopolising my girlfriend’s time

 **Nessa:** i havent gotten laid in like a week and a half now

**Melony:** Can’t relate

**Gordie:** EW GODS MUM GROSS!!!!

**_Gordie_ ** _has left the chat!_

****

**Nessa:** goodbye sweet prince

 **Nessa:** the only one who agreed with me about raiharem

**Allister:** raiharem otpp

**Nessa:** …

**_Allister_ ** _has been kicked from the chat!_

**Nessa:** i hate that child

**Bea:** asjdfklsajhfalksf;a’

 **Bea:** he knows exactly how to wind you up

 **Bea:** oh also did yall know that piers didn’t know about alli

 **Bea:** they only found out the other day when they found alli’s body passed out on route seven

**Milo:** wow really?

 **Milo:** piers of all people?

**Melony:** In their defense, they don’t get out of Spikemuth that much.

**Bea:** yea they said they thought alli was just really into his aesthetic as ghost gym leader

**Nessa:** i mean, he is

 **Nessa:** but also hes a useless shambling corpse boy and i love him

**Bea:** scroll up

**Nessa:** i hate him but i love him

 **Nessa:** little shit

**Opal:** I do adore him, too.

**Milo:** allister and opal’s friendship really is weird yet wholesome

**Opal:** Fairy and ghost-types do get along the best!

\--

[8:29p.m.]

**_Melemele Study Buddies_ **

**Kiawe (so moved):** i still cant believe that since **@Ash** arrived in alola he has a) personally met tapu koko b) battled with tapu koko c) learned a zmove from tapu koko and received a zcrystal d) passed two island challenges and finally e) invented a new form of lycanrock

 **Kiawe (so moved):** like wtf is this shit

**Lana:** ‘invented’

**Kiawe (so moved):** you know what i mean

**Ash:** haha … sorry?

**Kiawe (so moved):** its fine im just kind of . in shock

**Ash:** weird shit happens around me all the time its so annoying

 **Ash:** like im constantly just tumbling head first into any possible conspiracy, secret organisation or legendary pokemon that i possibly could

 **Ash:** my friends back home call me a danger magnet

**Lana:** well now im scared

**Sophocles (world’s biggest liar):** we all are

 **Sophocles (world’s biggest liar):** WAIT WTF

 **Sophocles (world’s biggest liar):** who changed my nickname to this

**Lana:** i did

 **Lana:** you liar

**Sophocles (world’s biggest liar):** I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS LEAVING ALL MY FRIENDS BEHIND FOREVER

 **Sophocles (world’s biggest liar):** THIS IS BULLYING

**Mallow:** you could’ve just _told_ us when you found out

 **Mallow:** like we werent going to be mad

 **Mallow:** and honestly we should shower you in our love more often

 **Mallow:** its what you deserve

**Sophocles (world’s biggest liar):** omg guys…….

 **Sophocles (world’s biggest liar):** im emo

**Kiawe (so moved):** please don’t remind me of ur emo phase

**Lana:** o fuk i forgot about that

**Ash:** do i… want to know

**Sophocles (world’s biggest liar):** no

**Kiawe (so moved):** no

**Lana:** no

**Mallow:** no

**Lillie:** No.

**Mallow:** oh hey lillie

 **Mallow:** good to see you stopped lurking

**Lillie:** Lurking is what I do.

**Lana:** trust me ,, we know

**Lillie:** By the way, Ash, I see that you recognised my brother’s lycanrock. I wasn’t aware that you were familiar with each other?

**Ash:** haha um

 **Ash:** yeah we’ve met a few times now

 **Ash:** mostly so i can ask him to battle and he usually says no but most of the time he kicks my ass

 **Ash:** your brother is kind of awesome

**Lana:** hes an asshole

 **Lana:** and if i see him its ON SIGHT

 **Lana:** IM READY TO FIGHT!!!

**Ash:** whoa

 **Ash:** lana whats ur problem w gladion?

**Lana:** WHATS MY PROBLEM WITH HIM?

 **Lana:** HE GAVE LILLIE ISSUES !!!!

 **Lana:** AND NOT EVEN THE ONES HE THINKS HE DID !!!

**Lillie:** Lana, it’s alright. I’m not angry at him anymore.

**Kiawe (so moved):** now THAT’S the biggest lie i’ve ever heard

**_Kiawe_ ** _changed **Lillie** ’s nickname to **world’s biggerest liar**!_

**Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** Well now that’s just not a word.

**Kiawe (so moved):** don’t care, it’s true

 **Kiawe (so moved):** you’re allowed to be angry at ur family

 **Kiawe (so moved):** leaving you to fend for yourself like that with only a butler for company for years is fucked up

 **Kiawe (so moved):** even if they have their own reasons for it which are perfectly valid

 **Kiawe (so moved):** it doesn’t make them leaving you alone for years ok

**Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** Thank you, Kiawe.

 **Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** I love my mother and my brother.

 **Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** And maybe I am still a teensy bit angry at the both of them. But Lana that definitely does not mean that I want you to fight my brother.

**Lana:** well that cant stop me bc i cant read

**Ash:** gays are illiterate

 **Ash:** i should know

**Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** Ah, yes. Suddenly all the books I’ve read over the years are purely a figment of my imagination.

**Ash:** …

 **Ash:** one (1) gay can read

**Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** And so the burden must fall onto me.

**Sophocles (world’s biggest liar):** i have no idea what happened to this conversation

**Ash:** successfully derailed just as i planned

 **Ash:** i hate talking about myself

**Mallow:** mood

 **Mallow:** im only here to talk recipes and homosexual literature

 **Mallow:** wait i forgot none of us can read

 **Mallow:** except for lillie

**Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** Oh! I should start a book club!

 **Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** Queer themes only!

**Lana:** aw man

 **Lana:** i was going to suggest weird shit only

**Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** Such as…?

**Lana:** chuck tingle.

**Kiawe (so moved):** NO

 **Kiawe (so moved):** DON’T YOU DARE LANA

**Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** Who?

**Lana:** author of space raptor butt invasion, slammed by my handsome fidget spinner, my ass is haunted by the gay unicorn colonel, gay t-rex law firm executive boner… just to name a few

 **Lana:** aka the author of our generation

**Ash:** …

**Mallow:** …

**Ash:** where can i read these

**Lana:** THANK YOU! FINALLY! SOMEONE REALISES TRUE TALENT AND CREATIVITY!

**Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** I am… morbidly intrigued.

 **Lillie (world’s biggerest liar):** Am I to assume that he writes queer erotic fiction starring… aliens, prehistoric dinosaurs, and inanimate objects?

**Lana:** yup

 **Lana:** he’s an icon

 **Lana:** a true hero

 **Lana:** AND he doesn’t write any gross pokephilia shit

 **Lana:** just fuckin weird stuff

 **Lana:** and a Lot of it

**Ash:** im down for it

**Sophocles (world’s biggest liar):** she made me and kiawe read some once

 **Sophocles (world’s biggest liar):** it was... an experience

**Kiawe (so moved):** one that i wish i could forget

**Ash:** i guess we’ve finally figured out who of us has the chaotic energy

 **Ash:** its me and lana

**Mallow:** so would the rest of us be neutral or lawful?

**Kiawe (so moved):** soph is pure lawful energy, same with lillie

 **Kiawe (so moved):** i guess that makes us neutral energy

**Ash:** except for when it comes for your love for wela volcano or mimo

**Kiawe (so moved):** THE TWO LOVES OF MY LIFE!!!!

**Mallow:** i cannot get over how much kiawe loves his lil sister

 **Mallow:** its so good and pure

**Kiawe (so moved):** just like mimo

 **Kiawe (so moved):** 💖💕💘💓💖💕💘💓💖💕💘💓💖💕💘💓

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, the tags do say "literal dead boy allister" I love my son!!! Also shout out to my boy Chuck Tingle!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an fyi... the rating on this has changed for a reason.

[1:41p.m.]

**_i can’t believe brock is wakandan_ **

**Ash (#thechosenone):** SQUARE UP BITCHES

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** NONE OF YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU GOT MY WHOLE CLASS A TRIP TO KANTO?????

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** I AM BETRAYED,,

**Brock (drying pan):** well the fact that it was us was meant to be a surprise

 **Brock (drying pan):** but professor kukui messaged us about five minutes ago profusely apologising and saying he was unable to resist your ‘excited puppy eyes’ when you begged him to say who the surprise guests would be

 **Brock (drying pan):** so it looks like you’ve picked up a reliable father figure

**Ash (#thechosenone):** I’M REALLY GOING TO GET TO SEE YOU

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** AFTER LIKE MONTHS

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** im literally crying

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** im not evn e kid dign

**Misty (bikeless):** oh no

 **Misty (bikeless):** are you actually

 **Misty (bikeless):** bc you know i cant handle that !!!!!

**Ash (#thechosenone):** FHUC K gYOU

**Misty (bikeless):** ash!!!

 **Misty (bikeless):** SATOSHI ARE YOU OKAY FUCK UR GONNA MAKE ME CRY TOO

**Ash (#thechosenone):** Hello, this is Ash’s friend Lillie. I’ve had to take the phone off him because he really is crying but I want to let you know that he is okay! We’re all here!

**Misty (bikeless):** o fuck

 **Misty (bikeless):** my boy my son my child

 **Misty (bikeless):** make sure you rub circles on his back! clockwise!

**Brock (drying pan):** he likes to burrow into people as well so if someone can hug him that would be great

 **Brock (drying pan):** ideally someone taller than him

**Gary (smell ya):** ffs

**Ash (#thechosenone):** Kiawe has it under control! He is approximately five inches taller than Ash and is an expert in giving hugs thanks to his younger sister Mimo. I am also grateful that Ash has such caring friends who know him so well!

**Brock (drying pan):** shit is he taller than me

 **Brock (drying pan):** im 183cm

**Ash (#thechosenone):** I am unsure in centimetres, but Kiawe is approximately 6’1”.

**Gary (smell ya):** i did the conversion

 **Gary (smell ya):** he’s like 2cm taller than you takeshi

**Brock (drying pan):** …

**Misty (bikeless):** BOYS SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **Misty (bikeless):** IS ASH OKAY

**Ash (#thechosenone):** He is calming down, with Lana rubbing circles clockwise on his back and his face buried in Kiawe’s shoulder. I haven’t seen him this emotional before.

**Brock (drying pan):** he’s a highly emotional person its just usually overwhelming happiness and excitement

 **Brock (drying pan):** but he gets very emotional when it comes to his homesickness

 **Brock (drying pan):** which he doesn’t get very often since he loves traveling but he also loves coming back home to visit his family, and us

**Ash (#thechosenone):** Oh, he’s telling me to tell you both – that is, Brock and Misty – that he loves you so much and can’t wait to see you, and that he expects the world’s best cuddles upon arrival. Oh, that’s so sweet!

**Gary (smell ya):** gag im out

**_Gary (smell ya)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Misty (bikeless):** ugh just because he’s allergic to emotions

 **Misty (bikeless):** tell ash that we’ll give him hugs as long as my psyduck doesn’t get to him first

**Ash (#thechosenone):** I shall.

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** Oh dear. I just relayed your message and he seems to be crying again. Apparently he misses your psyduck.

**Misty (bikeless):** MY CHILD!!!

 **Misty (bikeless):** i’ll get his charizard to come and meet us too

**Brock (drying pan):** as long as it doesn’t set fire to the airport in its excitement

**Misty (bikeless):** its already set ash on fire enough times

**Ash (#thechosenone):** …

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** Please tell me that’s a figure of speech.

**Misty (bikeless):** ha ha yes it is!!! just a figure of speech don’t worry!!!!

**Ash (#thechosenone):** …

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** So I see he’s always been very lax about his personal safety when it comes to pokémon.

**Brock (drying pan):** unfortunately

 **Brock (drying pan):** if he thinks he can help, it doesn’t matter what happens to him

 **Brock (drying pan):** *cough*lumiose tower*cough*

**Misty (bikeless):** We Don’t Talk About That, Takeshi.

**Brock (drying pan):** ha ha talk about what

**Ash (#thechosenone):** You… wouldn’t happen to be referring to the incident in which Ash did something incredibly brave yet stupid for his pikachu?

**Brock (drying pan):** aka every single day of his existence

**Ash (#thechosenone):** Hm.

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** Would you mind privately exchanging contact details with me? I’d like to discuss this more.

**Brock (drying pan):** uhhhhhhh

**Misty (bikeless):** if it means that someone’s looking out for satoshi’s dumb ass when we arent around then yes

**Ash (#thechosenone):** Thank you! :)

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** Oh, he’s stopped crying now. He seems quite tired, I think we should take him for malasadas and juice. After all that he really should replenish his sugar levels.

**Misty (bikeless):** dumbass working himself into a fit bc he misses us

 **Misty (bikeless):** im :(

 **Misty (bikeless):** tell him i love him

**Brock (drying pan):** me too!

 **Brock (drying pan):** but gary can get fucked!

**Ash (#thechosenone):** I told him that you both love him and Gary can ‘get fucked’ and he snorted. I think he’s going to be just fine!

**Brock (drying pan):** thanks lillie for taking care of him

 **Brock (drying pan):** we cant wait to meet you

**Ash (#thechosenone):** Same here!

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** Bye for now!

**_Ash (#thechosenone)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Misty (bikeless):** cuuuuuuuute

**Brock (drying pan):** he really does just attract good and wholesome people doesn’t he

**Misty (bikeless):** its either that or leaders of shady organisations :/

 **Misty (bikeless):** lets just hope that things stay quiet in alola for a little bit longer

**Brock (drying pan):** all else fails we can just find a local legendary and tell them ash is in trouble

**Misty (bikeless):** as long as said legendary isnt the one CAUSING the trouble

 **Misty (bikeless):** which 50% of the time it is

**Brock (drying pan):** or it’s the leader of the shady organisation trying to use the legendary for nefarious purposes

 **Brock (drying pan):** which honestly happens… way too often

**Misty (bikeless):** villain school really should teach better classes

**Brock (drying pan):** villain 101: how to capture legendary pokémon and use them to your agenda

**Misty (bikeless):** villain 102: how to not get all your plans destroyed by a single kid and his pikachu [cancelled class]

**Brock (drying pan):** jadskfhask;fa

 **Brock (drying pan):** the accuracy,,

\--

[5:44p.m.]

**_ash ketchum’s overdramatic bitches_ **

****

**Dawn (piplupluvr):** did anyone else just get that selfie of ash crying with a peace sign

**May (bandanana):** yes

 **May (bandanana):** hes an actual mess

 **May (bandanana):** but also that’s a big mood

**Iris (violet cloud):** hashtag relatable to the youths

**Dawn (piplupluvr):** i hate you

 **Dawn (piplupluvr):** you’re literally one (1) year older than us

**Misty (the og bitch):** speak for yourself

 **Misty (the og bitch):** i feel like an old hag

**_Serena (token straight friend)_ ** _has logged in!_

**Serena (token straight friend):** you are

**Misty (the og bitch):** don’t think i wont destroy your hat collection in the night serena

 **Misty (the og bitch):** i don’t care that youre in kalos

**Serena (token straight friend):** i like that you think i cant buy more

**Misty (the og bitch):** I Will Buy Out Every Boutique In Lumiose City

**Serena (token straight friend):** you’d really spend like a million pokedollars on hats just to spite me bc i called you old

**Misty (the og bitch):** you know i will

**May (bandanana):** gods why does this happen every single time

 **May (bandanana):** why did we think this chat was a good idea

**Dawn (piplupluvr):** solidarity

**May (bandanana):** in being the only person around ash ketchum with brain cells at any given time?

**Dawn (piplupluvr):** you know it

 **Dawn (piplupluvr):** except maybe serena

**Serena (token straight friend):** CAN YOU ALL STOP BULLYING ME

**Misty (the og bitch):** she says while sitting out front of a café drinking coffee and eating a croissant daintily with perfectly manicured nails

**Serena (token straight friend):** if that’s mean to be an insult it isnt

 **Serena (token straight friend):** its my life and its better than yours

**Misty (the og bitch):** hmmmmmmm debatable

**Iris (violet cloud):** you know if serena wasn’t straight this would just be lesbian flirting

**May (bandanana):** bullying is lesbian flirting confirmed

 **May (bandanana):** i mean its either that or just being uncomfortably sappy

 **May (bandanana):** my gf literally brought a flower into my work and asked me out in front of everyone it was so cute

**Iris (violet cloud):** i know you posted it all over social media

 **Iris (violet cloud):** cilan actually squealed aloud

 **Iris (violet cloud):** it was GREAT

**Serena (token straight friend):** kind of glad im not a lesbian then if i’d just get roasted 24/7

**Misty (the og bitch):** you already get roasted 24/7

 **Misty (the og bitch):** your life would be improved with homosexuality

**Serena (token straight friend):** i mean …

 **Serena (token straight friend):** you make a good point

 **Serena (token straight friend):** even if i hate to admit it

**Iris (violet cloud):** im honestly still surprised you arent

 **Iris (violet cloud):** you look like a distinguished lesbian

**Serena (token straight friend):** omg thank you

**Iris (violet cloud):** and on a lesbian note

 **Iris (violet cloud):** any of yall seen nessa from the galar league?

 **Iris (violet cloud):** bc i 🤤🤤🤤

**Dawn (piplupluvr):** GODS SHES GORGEOUS

 **Dawn (piplupluvr):** ngl i may or may not have purchased a poster of her

 **Dawn (piplupluvr):** the one of her rare league card in the heels?

**May (bandanana):** ok but her normal league card with her leg up?

 **May (bandanana):** I’m Gay

**Misty (the og bitch):** you’re really out here acting like melony isn’t RIGHT THERE

**Serena (token straight friend):** who?

**Misty (the og bitch):** omg-

 **Misty (the og bitch):** shes like full milf territory

 **Misty (the og bitch):** ice gym leader who swaps out with her son who’s a rock type gym leader

 **Misty (the og bitch):** and she is … Curvy

 **Misty (the og bitch):** she Thicc

**May (bandanana):** bea is kinda cute too

 **May (bandanana):** in a rough and tumble no nonsense but when she drinks she probably gets all flushed and giggly way

**Iris (violet cloud):** OOF YES

 **Iris (violet cloud):** but also like … raihan could Get It

**Misty (the og bitch):** YES!!!!!!!

 **Misty (the og bitch):** HE COULD!!!!

**May (bandanana):** idk he seems kinda cocky

 **May (bandanana):** like im not really into guys but he isnt my type

 **May (bandanana):** piers tho … they hot

**Iris (violet cloud):** the emo spikemuth leader? really?

**May (bandanana):** first of all theyre punk

 **May (bandanana):** second of all yes

**Misty (the og bitch):** ok so basically may is into girls and twinks

 **Misty (the og bitch):** good to know

**Dawn (piplupluvr):** shes into twinks and didn’t have a crush on ash???

**May (bandanana):** hes a twunk and you Know it

**Misty (the og bitch):** actually he almost reaches himbo levels

 **Misty (the og bitch):** tho hes not beefy enough

 **Misty (the og bitch):** but have yall seen satoshi in a dress… its so cute

**May (bandanana):** YES

 **May (badnanana):** I LOVE HIS FEMME DAYS!!!

**Serena (token straight friend):** I’m Sorry What.

 **Serena (token straight friend):** you mean this whole time i could’ve been buying ash dresses from kalosian boutiques and he NEVER. SAID. ANYTHING???

**Iris (violet cloud):** omg he really missed out on an opportunity…

**Dawn (piplupluvr):** i like that you think he missed out on that

 **Dawn (piplupluvr):** he just mailed them all to me so i could alter them for him and then i forwarded them onto delia

**Serena (token straight friend):** if he told clem or bonnie im gonna lose my shit

 **Serena (token straight friend):** i might be a filthy heterosexual but that doesn’t mean people cant tell me things like this

**May (bandanana):** idk he was kind of preoccupied with other stuff…

**Serena (token straight friend):** true

 **Serena (token straight friend):** we had a crazy year

**Dawn (piplupluvr):** tell me about it

**May (bandanana):** don’t get me started

**Iris (violet cloud):** me either

**Misty (the og bitch):** FEEL MY PAIN!!!!

\--

[10:41p.m.]

**_Nessa_ ** _started a new chat with **Raihan**!_

**Nessa:** so

**Raihan:** ???

 **Raihan:** what do u think ive done now

**Nessa:** more like WHO

**Raihan:** ness why do u care SO MUCH about who i sleep with

**Nessa:** um bc ur one of my best friends and i want to know if ur happy

 **Nessa:** and also im a nosy bitch and i miss my gf L

**_Raihan_ ** _added **Sonia** to the chat!_

**Raihan:** oi

 **Raihan:** control ur fucking girlfriend

**Nessa:** BITCH

**Sonia:** what is going on

 **Sonia:** ness… seriously

**Nessa:** im bored

 **Nessa:** and raihan is currently my only friend with a sex life

**Sonia:** youre horny so youre messaging your friend for details

 **Sonia:** that’s so sad

**Nessa:** im not the one gallivanting around with a stupid sinnoh researcher

**Sonia:** first of all hes kantonian

 **Sonia:** second of all this is my damn job

 **Sonia:** third of all there is nothing stopping you from coming to wedgehurst to see me

**Raihan:** thank you that’s what ive been saying for weeks

**Sonia:** fourthly can confirm raihan isnt sleeping with leon

 **Sonia:** only bc leon has been complaining about it for years

**Raihan:** IM

 **Raihan:** YOU WOT MATE

**Nessa:** sonia did you really just

**Sonia:** yes i really did just

 **Sonia:** im sick of getting audio messages at 2am from leon crying over rai’s latest selfie

 **Sonia:** you forget that i was the one with them during their league challenge

 **Sonia:** the amount of tension between those two 14yo boys was ridiculous

**Raihan:** are you saying that leon has a crush on me

**Sonia:** im saying that you’ve both been in love with each other for like a decade

 **Sonia:** and i am Over It

**Nessa:** wait

 **Nessa:** is raileon gonna happen now

 **Nessa:** what abt piers

**Raihan:** what about them?

**Nessa:** don’t play coy with me rai i know youre sleeping together

**Raihan:** And What About It

**Sonia:** my work is done here

 **Sonia:** and i don’t want to be involved

 **Sonia:** love u ness x

**_Sonia_ ** _has left the chat!_

**Nessa:** did you just confirm that youre sleeping w piers

**Raihan:** we have been for like two whole years

**Nessa:** …

 **Nessa:** that’s a long time to be fwb

**Raihan:** i never said we were fwb

**Nessa:** don’t tell me youre in love with piers

**Raihan:** shockingly polyamory exists nessa

 **Raihan:** someone can love more than one person at a time

**Nessa:** u dumb bitch ofc i know that

 **Nessa:** how does piers feel abt all of this

**Raihan:** lets ask

**_Raihan_ ** _has added **Piers** to the chat!_

**Raihan:** hey dickhead

 **Raihan:** how do u feel abt leon

**Nessa:** oh my gods

**Piers:** hes hot

 **Piers:** he has a lot of issues

 **Piers:** and im ready to fistfight r*se at literally any given moment

 **Piers:** but also ive been telling raihan to go for him for ages now

**Nessa:** …

 **Nessa:** are you two actually together or are you fucking with me

 **Nessa:** bc that 100% is something you’d do

**Piers:** i mean . both

**Nessa:** WHAT DO YOU MEAN BOTH

**Piers:** we’re together but also fucking with people is fun

**Nessa:** what about kabu

**Piers:** what about him?

**Nessa:** i was convinced that he and raihan had a thing

**Raihan:** …

**Nessa:** ???

**Piers:** 😉

**_Piers_ ** _has left the chat!_

**Nessa:** WAIT

**_Raihan_ ** _has left the chat!_

**Nessa:** fuck you

 **Nessa:** ill message kabu if i have to

 **Nessa:** ill … ill do it !! i will !!!!!

**Nessa:**

**Nessa:** who am i kidding ofc im not gonna message kabu

 **Nessa:** hes scary

 **Nessa:** and now im talking to myself

 **Nessa:** i need milo :(

**_Nessa_ ** _has left the chat!_

\--

[10:59p.m.]

**_Raihan (chicken leg)_ ** _has logged in!_

**Raihan (chicken leg):** so uh

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** sorry abt that

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** the others will probably know soon knowing nessa

**Piers (drowned rat):** its fine

 **Piers (drowned rat):** they wouldve found out eventually

 **Piers (drowned rat):** we were only keeping it a secret bc of leon anyway

 **Piers (drowned rat):** and now you literally cannot deny that hes into you

 **Piers (drowned rat):** so can you PLEASE do something about it

**Raihan (chicken leg):** But That’s Scary

**Piers (drowned rat):** what is? talking to your best friend in the world?

 **Piers (drowned rat):** i will literally go to wyndon right the fuck now and tell him myself if you don’t

**Raihan (chicken leg):** …

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** can you actually

**Piers (drowned rat):** that was meant to discourage you idiot

 **Piers (drowned rat):** what the fuck am i meant to do with you

**Raihan (chicken leg):** punish me for being bad?

**Piers (drowned rat):** not a good reason and you know it

 **Piers (drowned rat):** …although…

**Raihan (chicken leg):** uh oh

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** what are you thinking

**Piers (drowned rat):** get ur flat ass over here

**Raihan (chicken leg):** LOOK WHO’S TALKING????

**_Piers (drowned rat)_ ** _sent a photo to the chat!_

**Piers (drowned rat):** have i convinced you

**Raihan (chicken leg):** …

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** you know i hate flying with a boner

**Piers (drowned rat):** you were the one who wanted me to punish you

**Raihan (chicken leg):** be there in 10 x

**_Raihan (chicken leg)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Piers (drowned rat):** 😈

\--

[12:03a.m.]

**_Piers_ ** _started a new chat with **Leon**!_

 **_Piers_ ** _sent a video to the chat!_

**Leon:** UM

 **Leon:** I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE

 **Leon:** GOTTEN THE WRONG PERSON

**Piers:** i don’t think i have, champ

 **Piers:** keep watching

**Leon:** eye-

 **Leon:** first of all why did you send me this

 **Leon:** second of all since when have you and raihan been together

 **Leon:** thirdly WHY DID YOU SEND ME THIS

**Piers:** Keep. Watching.

**Leon:** …

 **Leon:** oh

 **Leon:** he?

 **Leon:** you?

 **Leon:** is this like a kinky thing

 **Leon:** bc like . that makes me uncomfortable

**Piers:** its somewhat of a kinky thing

 **Piers:** but also raihan’s too much of a coward to admit that hes been in love with you since he was like twelve

 **Piers:** and just messaging you and saying that wouldn’t have had you believe me

 **Piers:** hence the video

**Leon:** you

 **Leon:** wait what

**Piers:** raihan is in love with you, we’ve been together for two years, im into you too, this should be a thing

 **Piers:** also i feel like youd be down for the kinky sex

 **Piers:** we’ve gotten very good at it

**Leon:** 😳

 **Leon:** please tell me this isnt a cruel joke

**Piers:** watch the video

 **Piers:** you can see how badly he wants you leon

 **Piers:** i don’t mind if you arent into me, that’s fine, but i know you’re in love with raihan

 **Piers:** so either way, the two of you need to do something about it

 **Piers:** i can just help facilitate it if you want

**Leon:** you really think im not gonna want you too after seeing that

 **Leon:** are you fuckin nuts

**Piers:** a little yeah

 **Piers:** so?

**Leon:** ive never been harder in my life and my best friend is in love with me

 **Leon:** not quite sure what i should prioritise

**Piers:** well hes passed out now

 **Piers:** so that presents you with an easy solution

**Leon:** …

 **Leon:** would it be weird to jerk off to the video when raihan doesn’t know im doing it

**Piers:** nope

 **Piers:** go for it

 **Piers:** better yet, send a video back

**Leon:** 😳

 **Leon:** i don’t know if im ready for that

**Piers:** that’s fair

 **Piers:** im not gonna push you

 **Piers:** get it out of your system and ill let you know when raihan’s awake

 **Piers:** we’re at my place in spikemuth if you want to talk

**Leon:** okay

 **Leon:** thanks piers

**Piers:** for giving you a rager?

**Leon:** partially

 **Leon:** fuck i cant believe this is happening

**Piers:** that youre jerking off to a video of me railing raihan or the fact that youre gonna be able to do it yourself in a few hours if you want?

**Leon:** oh fuck

**Piers:** 😈

 **Piers:** you don’t seem like the type though

 **Piers:** maybe you want raihan to fuck you into the mattress?

 **Piers:** want him to hold your beautiful thighs down and make you cry?

 **Piers:** want him to dig his fingers into that lush arse of yours and make you scream?

 **Piers:** i know i’d like to see it

**Leon:** fu ckfuck fkc

 **Leon:** whats ur fucking address

**_Piers_ ** _shared their location!_

**Piers:** see you soon champ

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *fans self* well . that happened now didnt it
> 
> also if im being honest i never watched or played b&w so i have no idea if iris' characterisation is even somewhat accurate lmao


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

[4:12p.m.]

**_Gladion_ ** _has logged on!_

**Gladion:** i walked past the estate today and couldn’t see lillie

 **Gladion:** she should be home by now

 **Gladion:** she wasn’t home yesterday afternoon either

**Ash:** oh yeah we’re in kanto

**Gladion:** what.

**Ash:** for a field trip!

 **Ash:** prof kukui and principal oak set it up with prof oak

 **Ash:** we’re staying in cerulean for a bit and then popping over to stay at my house for a night!

 **Ash:** its so good to see all of my friends and my new alolan friends meet up

 **Ash:** lillie’s having a great time by the way

 **Ash:** my friends misty and brock are both gym leaders (or brock used to be) so shes loving the battles our classes are having ! and im up next!!

 **Ash:** don’t worry we’re taking good care of her

**Gladion:** hm

 **Gladion:** that’s good

 **Gladion:** i don’t like having to find out this way that shes not in the country though

**Ash:** i mean

 **Ash:** not to sound rude

 **Ash:** but you don’t exactly . communicate with her

 **Ash:** im sure if you saw her every now and then she’d have let you know

 **Ash:** but lillie thinks that you’re avoiding her

**Gladion:** …

 **Gladion:** its better that we don’t talk

**Ash:** you know shes getting better?

 **Ash:** she can touch snowy and my pikachu AND she managed to ride on a stoutland when we were on akala island

 **Ash:** she’d probably do a lot better with you around as well

 **Ash:** because its not your fault that shes scared to touch pokemon

**Gladion:** it is

 **Gladion:** it literally is my fault

 **Gladion:** and she doesn’t deserve to be reminded of that every time i see her

**Ash:** but she doesn’t even remember why she cant

**Gladion:** and if she does remember she’ll hate me even more

 **Gladion:** so the further away i stay the better off she is

 **Gladion:** im doing this because i love her and want to see her happy

**Ash:** she’d be happy with you there, gladion

 **Ash:** no matter what happened you’re her brother and she loves you

 **Ash:** and im sure lillie would forgive whatever happened

 **Ash:** just like you would if you were in her place

**Gladion:** you don’t understand ash

 **Gladion:** nobody does

**_Gladion_ ** _has logged off!_

**Ash:** you’re such a drama queen honestly

 **Ash:** well ive got to battle misty now time to kick some gym leader ass

**_Ash_ ** _has logged off!_

\--

[10:04a.m.]

**_Kukui_ ** _has started a new chat with **Magnolia**!_

**Kukui:** good morning magnolia, hope its not too early over in galar

**Magnolia:** Not at all dear, however your grammar certainly leaves much to be desired.

**Kukui:** i’m a millennial, let me live grandma

 **Kukui:** wow i was going to actually be professional for once

**Magnolia:** I don’t think you’ve been professional in your live, dear. How can I help?

**Kukui:** wow i just got roasted by a fossil

 **Kukui:** anyway my class is in kanto atm since i have a kantonian student who is friends with some gym leaders who helped to fundraise for this trip and it got me thinking

 **Kukui:** maybe we could set up some kind of pen pal program between my students and some of yours? well, not your students since technically you don’t have any, but some students in in the wedgehurst area if they’d be interested

**Magnolia:** Hm…

 **Magnolia:** You’ve had a good idea for once, Kukui.

 **Magnolia:** I know three children off the bat who would be interested, but I’m sure you have a much larger class.

**Kukui:** the class i have has six students, so three more

 **Kukui:** i really do appreciate this, thank you magnolia

**Magnolia:** I suppose even fossils can be useful to the right scientists.

**Kukui:** wow im gonna use that next time some 8yo calls me old

**Magnolia:** Now you understand my pain.

 **Magnolia:** I’ll keep you posted.

 **Magnolia:** I have to go now, though, it seems Sonia has broken something in the lab. Again.

**Kukui:** i know how that feels

 **Kukui:** see you later!

**_Magnolia_ ** _has logged off!_

 **_Kukui_ ** _has logged off!_

\--

[3:42a.m.]

**_Galar League_ **

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** i have a goddamn bone to pick

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** its three in the morning raihan what do u want

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** ur one to talk what are you doing up

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** no don’t distract me

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** im MAD

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** abt WHAT

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** i was going through my pigeotter account looking at stuff people tag me in n shit bc that’s fun and im a social media fiend

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** We Are Aware, Yes

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** anyway i found this account of this artist

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** who does objectively amazing art like, absolutely gorgeous, and they did one of me

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** and what, you had chicken legs?

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** worse

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** i used the eyedropper tool on it

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** and i shit you not my fucking skin tone was #b3a3a6

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** which is a light brown toned grey

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** THEY MADE ME FUCKIN WHITE???

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** i just looked that up and uhhh

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** what the fuck

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** for context my actual skin tone is around #9c5a4a

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** which incidentally is 69% magenta AND 69% yellow lmao

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** i hate that

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** anyway im mad bc they did a really nice art of me and clearly spent time working on my locs

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** and then completely erase my skintone

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** i just don’t understand

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** ppl r like that

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** alli once sent me foot fetish art of myself

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** somehow my toes were long enough that i could grip a pokeball with them

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** i mean … u don’t wear shoes so

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** that isnt an invitation for people to draw fetish art of my feet

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** im scrolling through this persons pidgeotter and they’ve drawn other art of the gym leaders too

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** the milo one is actually kinda nice? they got his buffness to cuteness ratio down perfectly

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** omg no wait

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** NOOOOOOO

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** wat?

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** i just found one of leon

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** im pretty sure they gave him d cups

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** ajsdfklajfh pls link it

**_Raihan (dragon fucker)_ ** _sent a photo to the chat!_

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** NO

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** IM KFJAHDAhdaJkA:

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** what the fuuuuccckkkkkkkkkkkk

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** those are literally impossible human proportions

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** his traps and lats must be the size of fucking dinner plates

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** they just deadass gave him bigger tits than melony

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** this is unbelieveable how does this person have 30k followers

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** link me this fuckin account pls

**_Raihan (dragon fucker)_ ** _sent a link to the chat!_

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** have fun

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** oh gods i see what u mean abt that pale ass art of u

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** that’s like… my skintone in the dead of winter

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** what the hecc

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** keep scrolling

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** they drew piers looking damn near like a skeleton

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** like theyre a skinny queen but … what the fuck

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** and they drew him like a hypno junkie

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** yuck :(

**_Leon (champoo)_ ** _has logged on!_

**Leon (champoo):** babe what the fuck

 **Leon (champoo):** why did you send me this art at four in the goddamn morning

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** jus letting u know that theres some people out there who wanna titty fuck u real bad

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** i genuinely cant tell if this person is lowkey a fetish artist or if they just do not understand human anatomy

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** weirdly enough they don’t post any art of pokemon

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** wait

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** BABE????

**Leon (champoo):** 👀

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** o yea

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** abt that

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** does nessa know

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** know ... what …

**Bea (ill punch a bee):**???

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** r*se monitors all of leon’s messages

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** soooo

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** seriously

**Leon (champoo):** literally had to hard reset my rotomphone the other day after what piers sent me :/

 **Leon (champoo):** so worth it tho

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** WAIT

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** railers is real?

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** sadfjlkaf is that our portmanteau

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** i love it

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** its certainly accurate

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** milo of all people came up with it

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** sweet summer child… love that lad

 **Raihan (dragon fucker): @Milo** i love u

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** nessa’s gonna be so mad

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** cant wait for her to wake up

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** ha ha

**Leon (champoo):** yes ,, exciting ,,,,,

[9:45a.m.]

**Nessa (water lesbian):** RAIHAN WHAT THE FUCK!??????

\--

[2:13a.m.]

**_spikemuth rulez_ **

****

****

**Marnie (lil punk):** be happy and eat nugget :)

**_Piers (big spikey)_ ** _has logged on!_

**Piers (big spikey):** marnie what the fuck

 **Piers (big spikey):** its 2 in the morning

**Marnie (lil punk):** Be Happy And Eat Nugget :)

**Piers (big spikey):** why does that smiley emoji look so aggressive

**Marnie (lil punk):** bc it is

**Piers (big spikey):** are you threatening gamers again

**Marnie (lil punk):** …

 **Marnie (lil punk):** no

**Piers (big spikey):** i don’t pay for ur online gaming subscriptions for this shit

 **Piers (big spikey):** go tf to sleep

**Marnie (lil punk):** you don’t sound like ur being happy and eating nugget

**Piers (big spikey):** im never happy

 **Piers (big spikey):** and im vegetarian u know this

**Marnie (lil punk):** eat tofu nugget

 **Marnie (lil punk):** and ofc ur happy

 **Marnie (lil punk):** i still have that karaoke footage of u and ur bfs

**Piers (big spikey):** IF YOU EVER SEND THAT TO ANYONE-

**Marnie (lil punk):** too late i already put it on pigeotter

 **Marnie (lil punk):** 14.5k views !!!!

 **Marnie (lil punk):** im famous !!!

**Piers (big spikey):** i hate you

**Marnie (lil punk):** love u too

**Piers (big spikey):** im signing u up to magnolia’s pen pal program for this

**_Piers (big spikey)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Marnie (lil punk):** the wot

\--

[10:41a.m.]

**_i can’t believe brock is wakandan_ **

**Ash (#thechosenone):** im going home already this is homophobic

**Gary (smell ya):** i-

 **Gary (smell ya):** how

**Ash (#thechosenone):** bc it inconveniences me, a gay,

**Brock (drying pan):** he has a point

**Misty (bikeless):** at least you got to pick up some of your clothes!

 **Misty (bikeless):** so you can stop wearing one outfit for weeks on end

**Ash (#thechosenone):** you say that like i don’t have a washing machine

**Brock (drying pan):** i wish we’d had a washing machine seven years ago

**Ash (#thechosenone):** when ur literally living out of a backpack i do not think clothes are the most important thing you should be carrying with you

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** hence why we only had a “”drying pan”” instead of an actual umbrella

**Brock (drying pan):** still my best moment

**Misty (bikeless):** make sure to send us pics satoshi x

 **Misty (bikeless):** and if your new friends don’t support you we’ll kick their asses

**Ash (#thechosenone):** you’ve met them _kasumi_ they’re all lovely

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** but if they don’t like the fabric i drape my body in they can choke

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** anyway i think its fine my first week here we went to this mega cute beachy accessories shop and kiawe and soph were sulking outside but i picked out so many cute pieces!!!!!!

**Misty (bikeless):** and u didn’t get me any huh

**Ash (#thechosenone):** i didn’t think you’d be into jewelry?

**Misty (bikeless):** me, your best friend, and a water gym leader,

 **Misty (bikeless):** why would i not want cute alolan beach themed accessories

**Gary (smell ya):** wow i wonder why misty waterflower wouldn’t want those

 **Gary (smell ya):** i cant possibly imagine any reason why

**Misty (bikeless):** hey just bc im a “”tomboy”” doesn’t mean i don’t like to be cute every now and then

 **Misty (bikeless):** i don’t see u judging ash for wearing cute shit when 99% of the time hes in gross smelly unwashed pants

**Ash (#thechosenone):** WOW i see how it is

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** see if i get u any cute jewelry now

**Misty (bikeless):** NO WAIT I DIDN’T MEAN IT

**Brock (drying pan):** yall acting like online shopping doesn’t exist is giving me a headache

**Gary (smell ya):** nobody in this chat has brain cells

**Brock (drying pan):** yeah and least of all you

**Gary (smell ya):** WHY AM I ALWAYS ROASTED I DON’T DESERVE THIS

 **Gary (smell ya):** IM LITERALLY AN ACADEMIC

**Ash (#thechosenone):** payback for how much of a dick u were

**Gary (smell ya):** WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN

**Ash (#thechosenone):** and i was TEN you BULLY

**Gary (smell ya):** let me reiterate:

 **Gary (smell ya):** I WAS FOURTEEN AND A DUMBASS

**Misty (bikeless):** one of those things hasn’t changed

**Gary (smell ya):** this is disgusting

 **Gary (smell ya):** ive dedicated my life to our lord and saviour arceus and this is the thanks that i get

**Misty (bikeless):** get out of the washing machine

 **Misty (bikeless):** leave room for ash’s clothes

**Ash (#thechosenone):** OH MY GODS

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** now im glad im leaving :/ im just being bullied

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** at least i have kiawe to take me into his strong arms and comfort me

**Brock (drying pan):** NO FUCK COME BACK

 **Brock (drying pan):** THAT SHOULD BE MEEEEEEEEEE

**Gary (smell ya):** brock: im a level headed academic ex-gym leader

 **Gary (smell ya):** also brock, around women and ash having taller friends: what are brain cells

**Misty (bikeless):** lmao remember how confused brock got when ash wore his first dress

**Brock (drying pan):** We Don’t Talk About That

**Ash (#thechosenone):** no pls lets talk about it

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** literally the best moment of my life

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** i don’t think you’ve ever been so affectionate with me it was cute :(

**Gary (smell ya):** we talk about how overprotective brock gets but we don’t talk about how much ash loves being coddled

**Ash (#thechosenone):** Listen.

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** i have gone through a lot of bullshit in my life and i am only jared, seventeen, and sometimes i love having my tall best friend pull me into his arms and cuddle me for a solid hour while telling me im cute and good

**Gary (smell ya):** kinky

**Ash (#thechosenone):** If You Turn This Pure And Good Thing Into A Sex Joke Shigeru I Will Slaughter You Where You Stand

**Misty (bikeless):** asjdfkhjdalsfa

**Gary (smell ya):** i retract my statement

 **Gary (smell ya):** it is wholesome and i in no way gain entertainment and amusement by it

**Misty (bikeless):** you werent even here when we had to say bye to ash this morning

 **Misty (bikeless):** oak and delia literally had to pull us off ash

**Ash (#thechosenone):** it was nice

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** my alolan friends are all super sweet and emotionally supportive but i don’t get the physical affection that i need and crave on the daily

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** and none of my pokemon atm are big enough for it :(

 **Ash (#thechosenone):** i miss greninja

**Brock (drying pan):** you say that as though infernape doesn’t give the best hugs

 **Brock (drying pan):** other than me of course

**Ash (#thechosenone):** and kiawe

**Brock (drying pan):** Hm, Debatable.

**Misty (bikeless):** asjdfka stop trying to make him jealous

 **Misty (bikeless):** its only been two hours

**Ash (#thechosenone):** and maybe i wanna give yall a reason to come visit me in alola what of it

**Brock (drying pan):** …

**Misty (bikeless):** …

**Brock (drying pan):** i like this idea

**Misty (bikeless):** lets book some plane tickets

**Gary (smell ya):** ITS BEEN TWO HOURS

\--

[??:??]

**_A Legendary Disaster_ **

**Rayquaza (big ass space lizard):** that was some weird energy i just felt

 **Rayquaza (big ass space lizard):** did anyone else get that

**Deoxys (deoxyribonucleic acid):** ya

 **Deoxys (deoxyribonucleic acid):** some weird spacey shit just happened

**Xerneas (oh deer):** I TOLD YALL

 **Xerneas (oh deer):** **@Solgaleo @Lunala** Square up!

**_Solgaleo_ ** _changed their username to **nebby**!_

**Solgaleo (nebby):** he he

**Mewtwo (clone grandma):** what the fuck is a nebby

**Solgaleo (nebby):** it me

**Mewtwo (clone grandma): @Lunala** why tf is solgaleo taking uwu speak to the next fucking level

**Lunala (yue):** bc he just turned himself into a literal baby and threw himself into ash ketchum’s confused arms

 **Lunala (yue):** its hilarious

**Rayquaza (big ass space lizard):** why

**Lunala (yue):** idk boredom

 **Lunala (yue):** theres not a lot to do in ultra space when ur bff has been napping for a million years

 **Lunala (yue):** and could potentially wake up evil and wanting to kill and possess you

**Eternatus (edgelord):** uwu #justgirlythings

**Xerneas (oh deer):** And how are you doing, Eternatus dear?

**Eternatus (edgelord):** still being forcefed wishing stars by a suit kink guy

 **Eternatus (edgelord):** im gonna be here a while

**Xerneas (oh deer):** And you’re sure you don’t want to get our child involved in helping you?

**Eternatus (edgelord):** nah ash’s got enough to deal with

 **Eternatus (edgelord):** this is just weird and kinda boring

 **Eternatus (edgelord):** ive been watching this guy and hes super creepy and mad manipulative

 **Eternatus (edgelord):** when i break outta here im gonna smack that bitch

**Kyogre (washin me and my clothes):** smack that (all on the floor)

**Lunala (yue):** smack that (gimme some more)

**Kyogre (washin me and my clothes):** smack that (till you get sore)

**Mew (grandma):** smack that (oh-whoa-oh)

**Eternatus (edgelord):** GRANDMA NO

**Mew (grandma):** GRANDMA YES

**Lunala (yue):** wow i wish i could delete that from my brain

**Deoxys (deoxyribonucleic acid):** i think we all wish that

**Mew (grandma):** 😭

 **Mew (grandma):** you kids never let me have any fun

 **Mew (grandma):** that’s why i like hanging out with humans

**Rayquaza (big ass space lizard):** you mean that’s why you like fucking with humans

 **Rayquaza (big ass space lizard):** you and **@Celebi** are mischievous nightmares

**Mew (grandma):** uwu

**Giratina (uwu):** that’s my line fuck u grandma

**Mewtwo (clone grandma):** this house is a nightmare

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess now if a pub quiz question is ever 'what does dna stand for?' im gonna know the answer . fuckin deoxys
> 
> also yes pigeotter = twitter, and the art where raihan is #b3a3a6 does exist it made me sad  
> hypno = meth (idk i just made it up theres probably hard drugs in the pokemon world)


	6. Chapter 6

\--

[2:34a.m.]

**_Galar League_ **

**Piers (emo twink):** i got some fuckin problems with raihan right now

 **Piers (emo twink):** FIRST OF ALL

 **Piers (emo twink):** why his hands so Fucking Big For

 **Piers (emo twink):** goddamn mr raihan “yaoi hands” mcgee

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** AKDLJJHADLAL:DAKJA

**Piers (emo twink):** SECONDLY

 **Piers (emo twink):** what the fuck is he so TALL FOR

 **Piers (emo twink):** im six foot fucking four . that’s tall

 **Piers (emo twink):** and yet here he is

 **Piers (emo twink):** this motherfucker

 **Piers (emo twink):** at six foot SEVEN

 **Piers (emo twink):** what a tool

**Kabu (gilf):** I logged in thinking that there was an emergency at two a.m. given how many notifications I was rapidly receiving.

 **Kabu (gilf):** How relieved I am that there is not.

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** i can see the sarcasm in that from space

**Kabu (gilf):** Good.

**Piers (emo twink):** no im fucking serious

 **Piers (emo twink):** what is WRONG with that man

 **Piers (emo twink):** his hands are bigger than my whole fucking face

 **Piers (emo twink):** he could grab my head and have his fingertips on my hairline and his thumb on me fuckin jawline

 **Piers (emo twink):** nobody needs to have hands that fucking stupid big

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** are u sure this isnt just some .. hand kink u have discovered

**Piers (emo twink):** bea if i had a hand kink id be talking about how i want his whole fist up my ass not complaining at 2am about why theyre so disproprortionate

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** FUCKDFIN AHELL PIERS !!!!!!!!!

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** THIS IS MEANT TO BE AN OFFICIAL LEAGUE CHAT

**Piers (emo twink):** and when have Any of us used it for that purpose

**_Leon (champoo)_ ** _has logged on!_

**Leon (champoo):** bro

 **Leon (champoo):** i fucking feel u

 **Leon (champoo):** but do u know how short i look next to you two

 **Leon (champoo):** it’s a nightmare

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** i bet ur lil bro is catching up to u now huh

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** how old is he? 16?

**Leon (champoo):** 17

 **Leon (champoo):** and he is TWO INCHES away from being my height i hate him

 **Leon (champoo):** i stand next to piers and rai and i look like a literal child

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** ur 6’1” it cant be that bad

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** if u feel short .. my ass is 5’4”

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** raihan is a full fucking FIFTEEN INCHES taller than me

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** i don’t even think i come up to his nipples

**Piers (emo twink):** why are we now talking about raihan’s nipples

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** why are u worried abt it don’t u see them like every day

**Piers (emo twink):** no???

 **Piers (emo twink):** i live in spikemuth????

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** ur being facetious and u know it

**Leon (champoo):** wow bea breaking out the Big Girl words

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** im capable of physically _and_ verbally eviscerating you

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** and don’t u forget it

**Kabu (gilf):** Well this has all been very entertaining.

 **Kabu (gilf):** And as much as I hate to leave… goodnight.

**_Kabu (gilf)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Piers (emo twink):** i don’t think that man has ever said something unsarcastically in his life

\--

[8:04a.m.]

**_Raihan_ ** _has started a chat with **Kabu**!_

**Raihan:** i just saw piers’ messages from last night and man im so sorry

 **Raihan:** if you want me to tell them to chill in the chat i will

**Kabu:** It’s alright, Raihan.

 **Kabu:** It was entertaining, at least.

**Raihan:** i just . feel bad

 **Raihan:** i never told piers about our thing and now with leon in the mix i just feel terrible

**Kabu:** You shouldn’t feel guilty. There’s no helping that our orientations just don’t mix, and I’m old enough to have enough self control over my minor – _very_ minor – fits of jealousy.

**Raihan:** oh, only minor?

 **Raihan:** uh huh . okay, sure

**Kabu:** Do you or do you not wish me to be wracked with guilt and envy, Raihan?

**Raihan:** ok i get it

 **Raihan:** fuck u for turning my sass into something to guilt me over

 **Raihan:** its 99% of the reason you like me anyway

**Kabu:** Are you sure about that?

**Raihan:** yes

 **Raihan:** do you want me to pull up the screenshots old man?

 **Raihan:** i have Receipts

**Kabu:** Please don’t remind me of my mistakes.

**Raihan:** dsjakflha

 **Raihan:** gods i really do like you kabu

 **Raihan:** i hate that we couldn’t ever work out

**Kabu:** So do I. But it would never be healthy for me to see you in a relationship with two others, let alone as young and attractive as Leon and Piers are, and it would become toxic to the both of us. Monogomy seems to be my only character flaw.

**Raihan:** gdi why couldn’t the gods have made you poly like the rest of us

 **Raihan:** actually no if they did then you would be surrounded by so many hot young things it’d make even me jealous

**Kabu:** I adore the faith you have in my looks.

 **Kabu:** It’s not like you’re wrong.

**Raihan:** OHHHHHHHHH DAMN

 **Raihan:** kabu ur hot and u know it

 **Raihan:** how many times have i drunk texted you that

**Kabu:** Nearly as many times as you’ve sober texted me that, I believe.

**Raihan:** damn ok call me out i see how it is

 **Raihan:** no but seriously are you okay with piers being so public about us

 **Raihan:** obv leon cant be bc rose but…

**Kabu:** I’ll be fine, Raihan. Don’t worry about me. Be happy with them.

**Raihan:** if you’re sure

**Kabu:** I am.

**Raihan:** in that case, wanna meet up for a match?

 **Raihan:** competitive teams only

 **Raihan:** you can even use your hoenn team…

**Kabu:** Now how could I say no to that?

**Raihan:** ill be at motostoke in 20

**Kabu:** I’ll be waiting.

\--

[4:51p.m.]

**_science is amazing!!!_ **

**Ash (himbo):** clem i fucked up

 **Ash (himbo):** i really really fucked up

 **Ash (himbo):** i need advice

**_Clemont (accidental disaster)_ ** _has logged on!_

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** oh no, are you okay?

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** what happened?

**Ash (himbo):** ok its such a long story so ill just try to shorten it so itll still make sense

 **Ash (himbo):** so you know how i like that boy gladion and his sister is one of my friends here and she couldnt touch pokemon bc of Something that happened in her past that gladion blames himself for

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** i recall that, yes

**Ash (himbo):** ok so

 **Ash (himbo):** basically two legendary pokemon gifted me their legendary baby to take care of or smth idk either way i have a baby pokemon that is prone to teleporting and it teleported me and lillie to where gladion was hiding? living? in this cave

 **Ash (himbo):** and one of his pokemon gave lillie a flashback that completely reset her trauma and now she cant even touch her own pokemon

 **Ash (himbo):** and gladion had a massive yell at me and blamed me for it and now he hates me and lillie hates me and her vulpix looks so sad and i don’t know what to fu cking do

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** oh ash im so sorry, that sounds like a terrible situation

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** but firstly you need to acknowledge that what happened isn’t your fault. you can’t control what your baby pokemon does, you can’t control what lillie thinks or does, and you had no clue what caused her trauma in the first place. the situation was entirely out of your control, and gladion was wrong for blaming you for it

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** i’m sure if you give him time to cool off he’ll realise it too, but he probably just sees that you – and your pokemon – were the ones to bring lillie into the situation that gave her a flashback

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** and i’m sure that lillie won’t blame you in the slightest. with trauma as deep-set as hers there are sure to be setbacks and sometimes they’re really bad, like this, and other times they’re just little blips on the radar

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** but she pushed through her trauma before, didn’t she? she started with the egg, and then her vulpix, then pikachu, and then others, right? so if she did it once, she is more than capable of doing it again.

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** so please don’t blame yourself. gladion will come around and i’m sure that in time she’ll be back to where she was with her recovery

**Ash (himbo):** fuck

 **Ash (himbo):** fuck i really needed to hear that

 **Ash (himbo):** im so sorry that i just dump all my shit on you but you give such good advice thank you clem for everything you do for me

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** you don’t dump anything on me, ash. you know i like to listen, and i know that you would do the same for me. it’s what friends do

**Ash (himbo):** i know

 **Ash (himbo):** thank you

 **Ash (himbo):** i don’t know what i’d do without you

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** let’s be real, you’d probably die

**Ash (himbo):** lmao too true

 **Ash (himbo):** shit

 **Ash (himbo):** ok enough about me how’re you? how’s bonnie?

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** unable to shut up about the fact that she can be a certified trainer next year, which is a terrifying thought

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** she keeps insisting that i battle her for the prism badge, but i know i wouldn’t be able to be fair, but she says she doesn’t want to fight clembot.

**Ash (himbo):** oh man, next year already? wow, i still see her as that tiny eight year old i first met in lumiose

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** it’s not like she’s even grown all that much. thank goodness we don’t have the kantonian laws that just allow her to set off all by herself at age ten, i would be beside myself with worry

**Ash (himbo):** oh yeah those terrible laws… what a terrible, terrible place, that kanto…

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** oh you know what i mean! it’s ridiculous to expect ten year olds to be able to survive on their own! even with the aid of rangers and pokecenters along the way

**Ash (himbo):** im assuming that you’ll be going with bonnie?

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** i’d love to, but i’ll have to see where my gym is at next year. i have to swap out with clembot so many times to actually keep my status as gym leader, and serena said she’d be willing to come back from hoenn to join bonnie

**Ash (himbo):** wow, really? that’s so sweet of her

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** yeah, she’s having a good time but she misses kalos more than she thought she would, and apparently her kalosian accent is quite strong so people are having trouble understanding her sometimes

**Ash (himbo):** huh maybe i should’ve given her some pointers before i left

 **Ash (himbo):** but i kinda wanted to yeet after that Awkward Moment

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** The Kiss?

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** trust me that was awkward for everyone involved. _and_ those uninvolved

**Ash (himbo):** i do not know how she traveled with me for a year and didn’t pick up on the fact that i’m queer as HELL

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** she isn’t… the most observant when it comes to things like that, you have to admit

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** also i don’t think she ever stopped carrying the torch for you since that handkerchief incident

**Ash (himbo):** its so weird to realise that something you did as a kid had such a big effect on someone’s life

 **Ash (himbo):** i can never look at a handkerchief the same way ever again im scared im going to like . start the apocalypse

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** ksaldfjhasf

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** knowing you, it could happen

**Ash (himbo):** oh trust me

 **Ash (himbo):** being given some random legendary baby makes me feel like its gonna be happening very soon

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** haven’t you only been in alola for three months?

**Ash (himbo):** that’s long enough apparently

 **Ash (himbo):** i’m probably gonna go yell at granddad about it or smth

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** granddad?

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** i wasn’t aware you had any family other than your mother

**Ash (himbo):** ha ha ha um yeah about that

 **Ash (himbo):** arceus kind of adopted me as his grandchild

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** …

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** since when?

**Ash (himbo):** um since a while ago there was a situation with time travel and him nearly tryna destroy the world it was weird

 **Ash (himbo):** anyway it ended well and now i have a granddad

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** your granddad created the universe

**Ash (himbo):** i mean. according to some religions, yeah

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** i cannot believe this

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** no wait yes i can

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** your life terrifies me sometimes, you know that?

**Ash (himbo):** oh trust me i terrify myself

 **Ash (himbo):** shit the baby’s crying

 **Ash (himbo):** thank you so so so so much for your help clem i love you sm

 **Ash (himbo):** but i gotta go and make sure the baby doesn’t teleport someone (me) into a volcano again bye!

**_Ash (himbo)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Clemont (accidental disaster):** that’s a lot to unpack

 **Clemont (accidental disaster):** bye ash, i hope you feel better! x

**_Clemont (accidental disaster)_ ** _has logged off!_

\--

[9:01a.m.]

**_Kukui_ ** _created **Chat Room**!_

 **_Kukui_ ** _added **Ash** , **Kiawe** , **Lillie** , **Lana** , **Mallow** , **Sophocles!**_

**Kukui:** Hi students! Today I’ll be giving you the contact information for your pen pals in the Galar region like we talked about.

 **Kukui:** I’ve contacted a few of my colleagues in Galar and we have quite a range of people for you – many of them don’t know each other, since the schooling system in Galar is very different to what we have here in Alola.

 **Kukui:** They are all aware that you will be messaging them sometime in the next twenty-four hours, so please be quick to send them a message! We hope that this exchange will foster your desire for travels and will be a useful information exchange between our two regions.

**Ash:** sick this is so exciting

**Kiawe:** this is going to be awesome

**Kukui:** So first of all – Ash, you have been paired with a young girl named Marnie. She lives in the city of Spikemuth, and is the younger sister of the city’s gym leader, Piers.

**Ash:** omg cool

**_Kukui_ ** _sent a contact to the chat!_

**Kukui:** Kiawe, you’ve been paired with a young boy named Hop. He lives in the town of Postwick, and is the younger brother of the Galar region’s Champion, Leon.

**_Kukui_ ** _sent a contact to the chat!_

**Kiawe:** YO WAIT WHAT

 **Kiawe:** PROF THAT’S AWESOME

**Lana:** i can feel it from here… he’s so moved

**Kiawe:** shut up lana

**Kukui:** Lillie, you’ve been paired with a young man named Bede. He is currently the ward of Chairman Rose, who is the current head of the Galar League. We’ve been informed that he is… somewhat reluctant to take part in this program, which is why I’ve assigned him to you. I’m sure that you’re the perfect person to get him to open up!

**_Kukui_ ** _sent a contact to the chat!_

**Lillie:** Oh…

 **Lillie:** Thank you, Professor Kukui.

 **Lillie:** I’ll do my best!

**Kukui:** I know that you will, Lillie.

 **Kukui:** Okay now Lana, you’ve been paired with a boy named Victor. He’s also from Postwick, and is intending on challenging the Galar League next year with his twin sister Gloria, and his friend Hop.

**_Kukui_ ** _sent a contact to the chat!_

**Lana:** wow cool thanks professor

**Kukui:** And Mallow, you’ve been assigned to Victor’s sister Gloria. She is supposedly a bit of a troublemaker, so I’ve assigned her to you so that Professor Magnolia is satisfied that I’m trying to give her a “positive influence”.

**_Kukui_ ** _sent a contact to the chat!_

**Mallow:** huh

 **Mallow:** wild that im a positive influence

**Lana:** mallow you literally spend all your free time studying or running a restaurant

 **Lana:** you’re the only positive influence here that isnt lillie

**Mallow:** i want to be offended but ur so right im boring

 **Mallow:** maybe gloria will be the influence instead of me

**Kukui:** She’d better not be, Mallow.

 **Kukui:** And last but not least, Sophocles. You’ve been paired with a young man named Goh, who is a student at a school headed by Professor Cerise of the Kanto region.

**_Kukui_ ** _sent a contact to the chat!_

**Sophocles:** thanks!

**Kukui:** And that’s everyone.

 **Kukui:** I hope you all get along with the individuals you have been paired with – you are all of similar ages, and given what Magnolia and I have been told about their personalities, we’ve done our best to match you up. We hope that you will learn much from your Galarian friends! And in case you are worried about your Galarian, though I know you’re all quite fluent, you can download a translating extension into your messaging app to double-check your grammar and spelling.

**Kiawe:** im going to teach hop all the alolan that i can

 **Kiawe:** but akala dialect bc its superior

**Lana:** i see your argument and raise you western melemele pidgin

**Kiawe:** do you even speak that

**_Lana_ ** _sent a voice message to the chat!_

**Sophocles:** SAKDJALHGFA

**Kiawe:** damn okay i take it back holy crap lana

**Kukui:** Language, Lana. At least wait until I’ve left the chat!

 **Kukui:** I don’t want to have to give you detention.

 **Kukui:** But I am reluctantly impressed.

**Lana:** thank you

**Ash:** that was so COOL

 **Ash:** lana can you please teach me

 **Ash:** PLEASE???????

**Lana:** of course! my whole family speaks it including my little sisters

 **Lana:** you can come over after school today and have a crash course

**Ash:** im so keen yes please

**Lillie:** I feel like this is only going to end badly.

**Kukui:** And that’s my cue to leave so I have plausible deniability.

 **Kukui:** Have fun, kids.

**_Kukui_ ** _has left the chat!_

**Mallow:** so we’re definitely creating a group chat with all the galar kids right

**Kiawe:** oh definitely

**_Kiawe_ ** _has added **Marnie** , **Hop** , **Bede** , **Vic** , **Gloria** , **Goh**!_

 **_Kiawe_ ** _has renamed room **First Contact**!_

**_Marnie_ ** _has logged on!_

**Marnie:** whats up fuckers

**Ash:** omg

 **Ash:** they paired us so well

**Marnie:** o hi ur the kid im meant to talk to right

**Ash:** i mean we’re the same age but go off

**Marnie:** ok whens ur birthday smartass

**Ash:** 05/01

**Marnie:** ha im 03/11 i win

 **Marnie:** baby

**Ash:** keep calling me baby im close

**Sophocles:** I Want To Leave

**_Hop_ ** _has logged on!_

**Hop:** what in fresh hell is this

 **Hop:** who are all of you

 **Hop:** and why at seven in the morning

**Lana:** wow they kind of did pair us well this is spooky

**Mallow:** ~spoopy~

**Kiawe:** sorry hop we forgot about the time difference between galar and alola

 **Kiawe:** i’m your pen pal

**Hop:** oh cool hi

 **Hop:** im hop

 **Hop:** which you already knew … obviously

**Marnie:** lmao nerd

**_Marnie_ ** _changed **Hop** ’s nickname to **nerd**!_

**Hop (nerd):** wtf u don’t even know me

 **Hop (nerd):** square tf up

**_Marnie_ ** _sent a picture to the chat!_

**Marnie:** do you really wanna fight me

**Lana:** oh no shes hot

 **Lana:** marnie your MUSCLES

**Marnie:** gotta keep in shape so i can always be ready to beat up my sibling

 **Marnie:** who is a literal twig in human form

**Ash:** isn’t your older sibling a gym leader

**Marnie:** yeah but they’ve never been to an actual gym in their lifetime

 **Marnie:** drowned obstagoon looking headass

**Kiawe:** what the hell is an obstagoon

**Marnie:** only the sickest looking pokemon of all time

**Hop (nerd):** **@Vic @Gloria** mom im scared come pick me up

**_Vic_ ** _has logged on!_

**Vic:** haha 2 seconds in and ur already getting dragged

 **Vic:** love this

**Hop (nerd):** WHAT KIND OF BEST FRIEND ARE YOU

**_Bede_ ** _has logged on!_

**Bede:** Please never contact me again.

**_Bede_ ** _has left the chat!_

**Lana:** …

**Kiawe:** …

**Ash:** …

**Marnie:** …

**Mallow:** …

**Hop (nerd):** …

**Vic:** …

**Lillie:** It seems I have my work cut out for me.

**Ash:** yeah im glad i have the punk gym bunny

**Marnie:** thank u

 **Marnie:** but i bet ur a twink

**Kiawe:** you’re not wrong

**Lana:** he’s a twock (twink jock) and you know it

**Ash:** would a twock look as good in this dress as i do tho

**_Ash_ ** _sent a photo to the chat!_

**Hop (nerd):** OMG

 **Hop (nerd):** THAT’S THE CUTEST THING IVE EVER SEEN

**Vic:** wow u said that yesterday when lavender and luna were napping on each other you traitor

**Marnie:** you’re a twock who looks cute in dresses the two things are not mutually exclusive

 **Marnie:** also i should give you my sibling’s info you can share shopping websites even tho they’re like six foot fucking something

**Ash:** i don’t know what that is in cm but im apparently 5’10”

**Kiawe:** im six foot one

**Marnie:** yeah piers has u beat

 **Marnie:** but raihan is like six six or smth stupid

 **Marnie:** dragon trainers are always dummy tall

**Lillie:** **@Vic** who are Lavender and Luna?

**Vic:** my espeon and umbreon!

**_Vic_ ** _sent a picture to the chat!_

**Vic:** im an eeveelution trainer

 **Vic:** and these two are my babies

 **Vic:** literally my youngest

**Lana:** omg that’s so cute

 **Lana:** i want a vaporeon so bad :(

**Hop (nerd):** omg vic send a pic of poseidon real quick

**_Vic_ ** _sent a picture to the chat!_

**Lana:** you named your vaporeon POSEIDON?

 **Lana:** that’s the dopest thing ive ever heard in my life

**Vic:** he’s an absolute beast he could probably take down a dracovish

 **Vic:** well probably not gloria’s bc it has a jolly nature and a perfect speed iv and is gonna learn fishious rend and absolutely murder the entire galar league but…

 **Vic:** any other dracovish

**Sophocles:** what’s a dracovish?

**_Gloria_ ** _has logged on!_

**Gloria:** THE SINGLE MOST BADASS FOSSIL POKEMON EVER DISCOVERED

 **Gloria:** AND HES GONNA SWEEP THE GALAR LEAGUE IN ONE HIT

**Marnie:** i’d like to see you try and beat my morpeko

**Hop (nerd):** o shit u have a morpeko

 **Hop (nerd):** those things are terrifying

 **Hop (nerd):** one chased me around the wild area for like a solid ten minutes

 **Hop (nerd):** i still have nightmares

**Marnie:** lmao loser

**Gloria:** ajsdkfla that was so funny wait i actually have footage

**Hop (nerd):** GLORIA DON’T YOU DARE

**Vic:** gloria yes

**_Gloria_ ** _sent a video to the chat!_

**Hop (nerd):** noooooooooooooo

**Ash:** WHAT IS THAT POKEMON IS THAT MORPEKO I LOVE IT WHY DOES IT CHANGE COLOURS LIKE THAT I WANT ONE

**Mallow:** of course ash sees a tiny little murder mouse and immediately wants one

**Kiawe:** i mean isnt his pikachu just a tiny little murder mouse

**Sophocles:** yes

 **Sophocles:** his pikachu has the most terrifying stats ive ever seen

 **Sophocles:** i literally spent 8 hours comparing public stats and ash’s pikachu absolutely sweeps any pichu, pikachu and raichu on record

**Marnie:** oh hell yes

 **Marnie:** morpeko v pikachu lets go

**Sophocles:** there’s actually an app where you can input your pokemon’s stats and have a simulated battle with a trainer

 **Sophocles:** since we’re in different regions that could work very well to see which of your pokemon would win

**Lillie:** I’m putting my bets on Pikachu! Sorry, Marnie. Your morpeko is probably very powerful, but Ash’s pikachu is truly amazing.

**Ash:** damn right it is

 **Ash:** pikachu’s gotten me through six pokemon leagues

**Vic:** whoa you’ve participated in SIX leagues

 **Vic:** and you’re our age?

 **Vic:** **@Gloria @Hop** i told you we should’ve hit the galar league this year

**Ash:** i mean i am from kanto so

 **Ash:** we can kinda start off young

**Gloria:** no offense but kanto rules are kinda fucked

**Ash:** i’d argue with you but i took down an international crime organisation when i was 11 so like . u rite

**Marnie:** i don’t know who you are but im so lucky to have been paired with you

 **Marnie:** punk gym heiress from spikemuth meets kantonian vigilante twock and we both main electric types

**Ash:** the start of a beautiful friendship

**Kiawe:** mom pick me up im scared

**Lana:** wait till we tell them that ash has a herd of 30 tauros

**Hop (nerd):** HE WHAT

 **Hop (nerd):** wait are those ur pronouns

**Ash:** he/they please!

**Marnie:** genderqueer monarch

 **Marnie:** wait i should send that pic of when raihan got piers into a maid outfit

**Gloria:** RAIHAN DID WHAT

**Vic:** are we talking about dragon gym leader of hammerlocke???? the most powerful 8th gym leader before u challenge the finals of the galar league????? put PIERS in a maid outfit??

 **Vic:** and piers actually did it????

**Marnie:** yeah piers is kinda whipped for raihan its disgusting

 **Marnie:** and theyre mad kinky i hate it

 **Marnie:** thank the hero that they usually meet up in hammerlocke

 **Marnie:** anyway

**_Marnie_ ** _sent a pic to the chat!_

**Marnie:** that’s my older sibling piers, gym leader of spikemuth, and number one charting artist on the galar top 100 for like thirty weeks straight

**Ash:** i love them

 **Ash:** absolute monarch

 **Ash:** also now i want long hair

**Lillie:** I’m a lesbian but I might be a little bit in love with Piers.

 **Lillie:** They are gorgeous!

**Hop (nerd):** holy shit

 **Hop (nerd):** now i see why lee’s into them

**Mallow:** lee?

**Hop (nerd):** yeah my big brother leon

 **Hop (nerd):** galar region champion

 **Hop (nerd):** he’s unofficially dating both piers and raihan

 **Hop (nerd):** unofficially bc chairman rose is v conscious of leon’s image since he’s head of the league and apparently its better for lee’s public image to remain “attainable” so hes not allowed to date

**Marnie:** even though half of galar knows that raihan and leon have always had a thing

 **Marnie:** you can feel the sexual tension in their exhibition matches

**Hop (nerd):** they havent always had a thing

 **Hop (nerd):** they only started dating a few weeks ago

 **Hop (nerd):** lee told me that piers and raihan have been together for like 2 years

**Marnie:** yeah because raihan thought that leon was like . an affectionate bro friend who wasn’t into him

 **Marnie:** i’ve heard enough of piers’ rants over the years to know this situation inside out thank the hero they all got together

 **Marnie:** if i had to hear piers drunk rant about raileon ONE MORE TIME-

**Mallow:** damn galar is complicated

**Vic:** that’s what happens when you have eight gym leaders and a champion and they’re all hot

 **Vic:** well except for allister he’s just adorable

**Marnie:** o yeah allister is literally dead

 **Marnie:** fun fact

**Gloria:** wait what

**Marnie:** hes literally dead

 **Marnie:** as in he died like 30 years ago or smth as a kid and now he’s like a ghost haunting his own body its wild

 **Marnie:** we stumbled across his corpse on the side of the road like a month or so ago and had to return it to stow-on-side where they have a freezer to store his body so it doesn’t decompose while allister’s ghost tries to find his way back there

**Ash:** …

**Kiawe:** YO WHAT

 **Kiawe:** WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN GALAR

 **Kiawe:** and i thought it was wild that we adopted a legendary baby

**Sophocles:** i can see that i have a lot more research i should be doing

**Lana:** imagine being horny but ur in the body of a 12yo

 **Lana:** that would suck

**Mallow:** i hate you lana why would you say that

**Marnie:** no no she has a point

**_Kiawe_ ** _changed **Lana** ’s nickname to **always horny**!_

**Lana (always horny):** thank u

**Kiawe:** ur welcome

**_Goh_ ** _has logged on!_

**Goh:** um

 **Goh:** did i come at a bad time?

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man wow that was a lot huh
> 
> first of all a) YAY the kids are all together now! (well kind of... bede is being bede)  
> also b) if it wasnt clear with raihan and kabu, theyre both mad into each other but rai is polyam and kabu is strictly monogamous and he knows that if he was with raihan while rai was with piers and leon too he'd be unhappy and then become jealous and possessive and it would be toxic for everyone involved so they dont get together but they both just kinda pine from a distance its v sad and tragic :(
> 
> also sorry for the long wait ive been working long hours at a shitty essential job and im exhausted so im happy i finally updated! i hope you're all happy with it and this fic gives you something to laugh at while the world fucks itself over
> 
> also check out https://twitter.com/rioru_v_v for the most amazing raihan/piers art u will ever see its so pretty


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **trigger warnings:** this chapter contains some (non specific) triggering stuff about rose's relationship with leon, specifically in regards to how controlling he is over leon, and how he tried to groom leon into becoming his partner when he turned 18 to have full control over him. it doesnt happen, but its mentioned.

[11:49p.m.]

**_Galar League_ **

****

****

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** why did some little girl in this game i play just tell me “if you have bones that will change soon”

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** first of all IF?????

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** secondly WHAT!!???

**Nessa (water lesbian):** asjdfklashgfsa

**Milo (farmer’s market):** well that’s terrifying

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** but also 100% sounds like marnie

**_Piers (emo twink)_ ** _has logged on!_

**Piers (emo twink):** that’s bc it was marnie

 **Piers (emo twink):** shes yelling about how some asshole just beat her and she is vowing revenge etc etc

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** BUT WHY IS SHE COMING FOR MY BONES?????

**Piers (emo twink):** shes been reading a lot of dai dark recently

**Milo (farmer’s market):** reading what?

**Piers (emo twink):** its this manga about this little boy who wanders around space with a sentient skeleton backpack who has bones that will make anyone’s wish come true so basically everyone is always after his bones

**Milo (farmer’s market):** i-

**Piers (emo twink):** its chaotic and hilarious i read a few chapters and kind of love it

 **Piers (emo twink):** but anyway she’s now threatening people with taking their bones

 **Piers (emo twink):** its very marnie

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** where cann i read this

 **Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** its my a esthetic

**Piers (emo twink):** galarian translation is [here](https://mangakakalot.com/read-ct9ym158504996821) but its not caught up to the johtonian original atm

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** hell ye a h

**Nessa (water lesbian):** ok sorry to change the subject but i have a very important question

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** its to do with piers raihan and leon

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** uh oh

**Nessa (water lesbian):** out of the three of them… which one is at soup

**Milo (farmer’s market):** JDAKLHDGA

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** leon is 100% the one shopping for clothes at the soup store

**Nessa (water lesbian):** u rite i was tossing up between leon and raihan

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** but raihan doesn’t have enough himbo energy

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** what are we talking about

**Nessa (water lesbian):** piers – hello?

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** leon – hey whats up

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** piers – i need your help can you come here

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** leon – i cant im buying clothes

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** piers – well hurry up and come over here

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** leon – i cant find them

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** piers – what do you mean you cant find them?

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** leon – i cant find them, theres only soup

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** HUH

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** ajsdfklhsafal;’l

**Milo (farmer’s market):** piers – what do you mean there’s only soup?

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** leon – it means theres ONLY SOUP

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** piers – well then GET OUT OF THE SOUP AISLE

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** leon – ALRIGHT YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHOUT AT ME

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** leon - /moves to the next aisle/

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** leon – theres more soup

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** piers – WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERES MORE SOUP

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** leon – THERES JUST MORE SOUP

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** piers – GO INTO THE NEXT AISLE

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** leon - /moves to the next aisle/

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** leon – THERES STILL SOUP

**Nessa (water lesbian):** piers – WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** leon – IM AT SOUP

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** piers – WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOURE _AT_ SOUP

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** leon – I MEAN IM _AT SOUP_

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** piers – WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** leon – IM AT THE SOUP STORE!!

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** piers – **WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?**

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** ajsdkfljsahkfl;sa’’fkjaf

**Piers (emo twink):** why do i feel like that exact situation has actually happened

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** why do you know whatever that is off by heart **@Nessa @Milo**

**Milo (farmer’s market):** because its iconic

**_Gordie (rock hard)_ ** _has logged in!_

**Gordie (rock hard):** that’s 100% accurate and im so happy yall reminded me that video exists

 **Gordie (rock hard):** im gonna make an edit of it that’s actually leon and piers

 **Gordie (rock hard):** no wait what if we get them to ACTUALLY recreate it

 **Gordie (rock hard): @Piers @Leon** please

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** hell no

**Piers (emo twink):** hell YES

 **Piers (emo twink):** anything to get more publicity for spikemuth

 **Piers (emo twink):** our water supply is down to 20% bc the pipes are fucked and we cant get any funding from r*se bc hes an asshole

**_Leon (champoo)_ ** _has logged in!_

**Leon (champoo):** are you serious

 **Leon (champoo):** what a tosser

 **Leon (champoo):** cant stand this motherfucker

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** i-

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** oh myg o ds di dh e just

**Leon (champoo):** yes he did just

 **Leon (champoo):** im so over him right fucking now

 **Leon (champoo):** piece of shit dumbass motherfuckin twat

**Nessa (water lesbian):** whoa

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** what happened?

**Leon (champoo):** nothing in particular i just

 **Leon (champoo):** ive had a really packed schedule for the past week and i havent been able to see anyone and im exhausted and he just doesn’t care

 **Leon (champoo):** he only cares about his image and what Champion Leon looks like to the public not actually who i am or how i feel and im so tired of it all

 **Leon (champoo):** like yes im the champion but why does that mean i have to spend 100% of my time in meetings and photoshoots and sponsored ad campaigns and press conferences i just want to battle and meet trainers

 **Leon (champoo):** literally no other regional champion is managed like this and im sick of it

**Piers (emo twink):** fuck

**Leon (champoo):** hang on lemme just delete those before rotomphone sends the backup

**Piers (emo twink):** Before What

**Leon (champoo):** every half an hour or so my phone automatically sends a backup to r*se that scans through my messages and photos and internet history etc so he can monitor what im doing to make sure im not like committing treason or what the fuck ever

**Piers (emo twink):** are you actually serious

 **Piers (emo twink):** what the Fuck leon

**Leon (champoo):** yeah

 **Leon (champoo):** i didn’t realise until i was like 18 and he sat me down and started talking about my Preferences and how i need to be careful the public doesn’t know about them etc etc and i realised that he somehow had access to my phone

**Nessa (water lesbian):** brb on my way to murder a bitch

**Milo (farmer’s market):** im coming too

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** im gonna haunt hi m

 **Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** full pol tergeistt

**Leon (champoo):** fuck i love you guys

 **Leon (champoo):** i appreciate it but theres nothing you can do

 **Leon (champoo):** and im not willing to lose the championship bc i don’t want someone else subjected to this shit

 **Leon (champoo):** especially not if its raihan or some kid that was as young as i was

**Piers (emo twink):** if its me he’d have to pay attention to spikemuth then

 **Piers (emo twink):** and i can take anything he could dish out

**Leon (champoo):** he’d just twist everything around so that you’d have to live in wyndon and he’d probably start a smear campaign on spikemuth

 **Leon (champoo):** it took me a long time to realise just how manipulative he is

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** youre welcome

**Leon (champoo):** thanks x

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** bitch ass has been manipulating you since you were 14

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** he was so close to being worse the day leon turned eighteen

**Piers (emo twink):** do you mean-

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** yup

**Piers (emo twink):** i think im gonna be sick

**Nessa (water lesbian):** fuck me too

**Milo (farmer’s market):** i could take him

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** right now . what could he do? nothing hes tiny and weak and i have a whole herd of wooloo that know rollout

 **Milo (farmer’s market):** i don’t even need the wooloo i could just pick him up like a sack of potatoes and throw him off the top of his stupid tower

**Gordie (rock hard):** that’s kinda hot

**Nessa (water lesbian):** do the others know about this?

**_Opal (unseelie)_ ** _has logged in!_

**Opal (unseelie):** We are aware of this, love.

 **Opal (unseelie):** Believe me, we are working on it.

**Gordie (rock hard):** who’s we

**Opal (unseelie):** Kabu, Melony and I.

 **Opal (unseelie):** That man might be able to adjust the media to be more unfavourable towards you young ones, but the three of us have been around longer than him. We’ll sort this out for you Leon, darling. But in the meantime if you need anything feel free to pop by Ballonlea for tea. That man knows that inside my borders he has no power.

**Leon (champoo):** i

 **Leon (champoo):** fuck thank you opal

 **Leon (champoo):** you have no idea what that means to me

 **Leon (champoo):** can i come over now

**Opal (unseelie):** Of course you can, dear. I’ll clear a space on top of the gym for Charizard to land on.

 **Opal (unseelie):** And if you can’t make it to Ballonlea, Motostoke and Circhester apply the same rules. There’s nothing that man can do to make us budge when it comes to taking care of you the way you deserve.

**Leon (champoo):** thank you

 **Leon (champoo):** ill be there soon

**_Leon (champoo)_ ** _has logged off!_

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** i don’t know how we can repay you for this opal

 **Raihan (dragon fucker):** this has been worrying me for years

**Opal (unseelie):** Don’t worry about repaying us, love. We’ve had our eyes on that man for quite some time. Kabu and I had an interesting ‘chat’ with him on Leon’s eighteenth birthday.

**Piers (emo twink):** you did?

**Opal (unseelie):** Oh yes. It was very entertaining.

 **Opal (unseelie):** That man thought he had some ‘dirt’ on Kabu’s past that meant he could blackmail our fire gym leader. Turns out it backfired on him quite spectacularly and he hasn’t been able to do anything since.

 **Opal (unseelie):** And Melony didn’t even have to come because he knows that woman could benchpress him without breaking a sweat.

**Nessa (water lesbian):** WAIT WHAT

**Gordie (rock hard):** everyone thinks mum is thicc or whatever but honestly she just lifts really hard so when she has her gym leader outfit on you cant actually tell its muscle

 **Gordie (rock hard):** mum is RIPPED

**Nessa (water lesbian):** suddenly im so much more into melony than i was two minutes ago

 **Nessa (water lesbian):** which for the record was a Lot

**Gordie (rock hard):** ew

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** opal can i c om e over too?

**Opal (unseelie):** Of course, dear, you know you don’t have to ask. But really, you should have a pokemon you can ride on instead of walking or taking a Corviknight Taxi.

 **Opal (unseelie):** Raihan, sweetheart, when are you going to give our Allister a dragapult?

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** as long as he promises not to use it on his team bc that gmax gengar is already tanky as hell

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** deal

**Raihan (dragon fucker):** cool we have a litter of dreepy due any time now, if the mum lets me i can get you one

**Allister (HELLMOUTH GENGAR):** hell y ea h

**_Bea (ill punch a bee)_ ** _has logged in!_

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** sorry im back i was lurking but got mad and had to punch stuff

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** i broke a heavy bag

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** im ready to break a face too

**Milo (farmer’s market):** now that’s a fight i’d pay to see

**Nessa (water lesbian):** fuck that i wanna see opal deck r*se in the face with her umbrella

**Opal (unseelie):** You’re not the only one, dear.

**Bea (ill punch a bee):** adjskflhagdfa

 **Bea (ill punch a bee):** love u grandma

**Piers (emo twink):** WAIT

 **Piers (emo twink):** GRANDMA????

\--

[12:32a.m.]

**_Raihan_ ** _started a chat with **Kabu**!_

**Raihan:** i don’t know if you’re awake

 **Raihan:** but thank you

 **Raihan:** opal told us what you and her did for leon on his 18th

 **Raihan:** i cannot thank you enough

 **Raihan:** just thinking about what r*se could have done to leon like that…

 **Raihan:** i don’t want to imagine it

 **Raihan:** so thank you

 **Raihan:** thank you so much

 **Raihan:** you are one of the best people i am so privileged to know

 **Raihan:** and i will never be able to repay you for what you’re doing for leon

**_Kabu_ ** _has logged on!_

**Kabu:** We’d do it for him regardless, darling.

 **Kabu:** Nobody deserves what that man is capable of doing.

 **Kabu:** Least of all Leon. Least of all Leon when all he had known for four of his most formative years was being under that man’s thumb.

 **Kabu:** And if I am unable to keep my past hidden in order to keep Leon safe, then so be it. Opal, Melony and I are willing to do anything to keep him safe.

**Raihan:** fuck

 **Raihan:** fuck i love you so much

**Kabu:** Raihan…

**Raihan:** i know

 **Raihan:** i know we cant be together but fuck

 **Raihan:** i wish we could kabu

 **Raihan:** you’ve never been anything but good to me, and to leon, and to all of us

 **Raihan:** and to know that you’ve been protecting leon for so long without us ever knowing or expecting anything in return

 **Raihan:** fuck

 **Raihan:** thank you

 **Raihan:** thank you thank you thank you

**Kabu:** You’re welcome, sweetheart.

\--

[12:45a.m.]

**_Raihan (chicken leg)_ ** _has logged in!_

**Raihan (chicken leg):** fuck piers

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** kabu is so hot and nice and he just called me sweetheart im gonna die

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** what the fuck do i DO im so in love with him

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** im like ??? emo about leon but also like mad horny bc kabu this is the weirdest set of emotions ive ever felt in one go

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** i want kabu to make sweet rough love to me

**Piers (drowned rat):** over r*ses corpse?

**Raihan (chicken leg):** omg kinda

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** is that fucked up

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** is it weird that i find it kinda hot that kabu could probably literally murder r*se

**Piers (drowned rat):** i mean no that man is attractive as hell

 **Piers (drowned rat):** i mean i only just found out about you two having a Thing but like… damn i don’t blame you

**Raihan (chicken leg):** what do i DO

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** like normally id yell abt this to leon but hes going to ballonlea to have hugs and tea with opal and allister so i feel good that hes safe and r*se cant get him

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** opal really is a terrifying unseelie fae queen

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** but also kinda want kabu to dick me down and fuck my throat til i pass out????

**Piers (drowned rat):** i mean im Right Here

 **Piers (drowned rat):** i can channel kabu energy if u want

**Raihan (chicken leg):** wish kabu was poly so we could send him a video of u railing me

**Piers (drowned rat):** wish kabu was poly so he could send me a video of him railing u

**Raihan (chicken leg):** oh man

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** OH MAN

 **Raihan (chicken leg):** this is the weirdest horny ive ever been

**Piers (drowned rat):** welcome to my life

**Raihan (chicken leg):** how did we get from soup store to r*se to me being horny about kabu in like 20 minutes flat

**Piers (drowned rat):** such is the way of group chats

 **Piers (drowned rat):** anyway i kind of need comfort after that revelation so are you free to come to mine

 **Piers (drowned rat):** or you can come to mine?

 **Piers (drowned rat):** i need cuddles

 **Piers (drowned rat):** i don’t even mind that ur weird horny

 **Piers (drowned rat):** wait

**_Piers_ ** _changed **Raihan** ’s nickname to **weird horny**!_

**Raihan (weird horny):** bruh

**Piers (drowned rat):** call me bruh one more time-

**Raihan (weird horny):** BRUH

**Piers (drowned rat):** that’s it sex privileges are revoked

 **Piers (drowned rat):** im barring you from spikemuth

**Raihan (weird horny):** jokes on you celibate motherfucker

**Piers (drowned rat):** bold of you to assume i wont just go straight into wyndon and fuck leon into the mattress whenever i want to

**Raihan (weird horny):** …

 **Raihan (weird horny):** mark me down as scared AND horny

**Piers (drowned rat):** get your ass over here raihan

**Raihan (weird horny):** yes sir

**Piers (drowned rat):** why did that just give me a boner

**Raihan (weird horny):** uwu

**Piers (drowned rat):** i fucking hate you

**Raihan (weird horny):** great i love hate sex

**Piers (drowned rat):** 🙄

\--

[9:27p.m.]

**_Gladion_ ** _started a chat with **Ash**!_

**Gladion:** hey

 **Gladion:** are you awake?

**Ash:** yeah

**Gladion:** listen

 **Gladion:** im sorry

 **Gladion:** i shouldn’t have shouted at you the other day

 **Gladion:** im not happy that you have an ultra beast but its not your fault that it teleported lillie to where silvally and i were

 **Gladion:** and its not your fault that lillie had flashbacks and regressed

 **Gladion:** i feel really shitty for doing that

**Ash:** tbh it was kind of shitty but thank you for the apology

 **Ash:** i appreciate it

 **Ash:** i don’t like you being mad at me

**Gladion:** im sorry

 **Gladion:** im not . the easiest person to get along with

 **Gladion:** im angry all the time

**Ash:** no shit

 **Ash:** i like you anyway though

**Gladion:** oh

 **Gladion:** well you’d be the first

**Ash:** surely you have friends

**Gladion:** …

 **Gladion:** not really

**Ash:** are you serious

 **Ash:** wtf that’s so sad

 **Ash:** boi come hang out with us after school one day

 **Ash:** malasadas and juice . best cure for feeling shitty

 **Ash:** and then we can hit up an arcade and you can watch mallow and kiawe duke it out on taiko

**Gladion:** taiko?

**Ash:** BRUH

 **Ash:** YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TAIKO IS THIS IS SO SAD

 **Ash:** ROTOMPHONE PLAY DESPACITO

**Gladion:** that memes like 3 years old

**Ash:** surprised u even know what a meme is

 **Ash:** taiko is a rhythmic drumming game and mallow and kiawe have p much grown up playing it and so theyre on the insane expert levels and it gets so intense

 **Ash:** seriously you have to come and watch

 **Ash:** lillie would love to spend time with you

 **Ash:** and if you say you don’t think that’s a good idea i will literally rip your spine out through your mouth

 **Ash:** she is your sister and with your mom working all the time you’re pretty much the only family she has. she’s spent years inside that big empty house with only a butler for company when she could have been spending that time with her big brother

 **Ash:** i would do anything to get my big brother back

**Gladion:** i didn’t know you have a brother

**Ash:** i don’t

 **Ash:** which is why it makes me so mad to see you wilfully ignoring your only sister in the whole world

 **Ash:** i would give up anything to see red again even just for a moment

 **Ash:** so stop being an idiot and come play taiko with us and give your sister a hug and argue with sophocles over which malasada flavours are best

 **Ash:** bitch

**Gladion:** …

 **Gladion:** okay

**Ash:** WAS THAT SO HARD for arceus’ sake

 **Ash:** i s2g if you werent so busy cultivating your edgy lone wolf thing you’d have friends by now

**Gladion:** ok ouch

**Ash:** you deserve it

**Gladion:** i mean youre not wrong

**Ash:** anyway we should add you to the galar-alola chat

 **Ash:** that way you can have more human interaction without having to leave the weird cave that you sleep in or whatever

 **Ash:** its called exposure therapy

**Gladion:** first of all when did you get this sassy

 **Gladion:** second of all i don’t live in the cave

 **Gladion:** third of all how do any of you know people in galar

**Ash:** we have Connections

 **Ash:** and by that i mean its totally a program set up by professors kukui and magnolia

 **Ash:** we were meant to get paired up as like a pen pal thing but we ended up just creating this massive chaotic group chat and we’re still trying to get one of the members to actually interact instead of just leaving every single time we try and add them back in

 **Ash:** fuckin asshole

 **Ash:** kinda reminds me of you

**Gladion:** wow

**Ash:** i feel like you need someone to put you in your place

**Gladion:** im not into that kinky shit but ill keep it in mind

**Ash:** OH MY GODS

 **Ash:** DID YOU JUST MAKE A JOKE

 **Ash:** IM SO PROUD OF YOU

 **Ash:** MY LITTLE BOY IS ALL GROWN UP

**Gladion:** why do you keep implying im a sub

**Ash:** gladion . look at yourself

**Gladion:** …

 **Gladion:** fuck

**Ash:** its ok tho i still love u

**Gladion:** go die in a hole

**Ash:** oh sure bc those are just so easy to stumble across

**Gladion:** i know where one is its called the crater of wela volcano

**Ash:** everyone knows where that is dipshit

**Gladion:** i came out here to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now

**Ash:** wow and u got mad at me for using old memes

 **Ash:** second of all that’s not even correct you came here to grovel at my feet bc ur an angsty mess of a human being

**Gladion:** why do i always feel called out when i talk to you

**Ash:** probably bc im brutally honest and have a tendency to not give a shit

**Gladion:** you can say that again

**Ash:** PROBABLY BC IM BRUTALLY HONEST AND HAVE A TENDENCY TO NOT GIVE A SHIT

**Gladion:** i hate you

**Ash:** no you love me

 **Ash:** anyway im adding you to the gc

\--

[9:51p.m.]

**_marnie step on me_ **

****

**_Ash (pretty boy)_ ** _has added **Gladion** to the chat!_

 **_Ash_ ** _has changed **Gladion** ’s nickname to **angsty teen**!_

**Gladion (angsty teen):** ash what the fuck

**Hop (nerd):** lmao what

 **Hop (nerd):** who this

**Lillie (gay 4 marnie):** My brother.

 **Lillie (gay 4 marnie):** He’s an angsty teen.

**Lana (always horny):** AND HES AN ASSHOLE

 **Lana (always horny):** JUST WAIT TILL I FIND U MOTHERFUCKER

 **Lana (always horny):** IT IS ON ! SIGHT !

 **Lana (always horny):** CATCH THESE MF HANDS

**Gladion (angsty teen):** ash i thought u said i could go out to play taiko with ur friends and have malasadas i don’t think i want to do that if im gonna get beaten up by a small girl

**Lana (always horny):** who are you calling a small girl u bitchass emo twig

**Mallow (also gay 4 marnie):** lana ur literally a small girl

**Goh (dumbass #2):** i am so tempted to buy tickets to alola ur friend group is wild

**Gloria (glory hole):** ur saying that when we live in the same country and u havent met any of us

 **Gloria (glory hole):** theres a reason ur nickname is dumbass

**Vic (dumbass #1):** then why am i also dumbass

**Hop (nerd):** bc ur _my_ dumbass

**Vic (dumbass #1):** that’s gay

**Hop (nerd):** yes that was intentional

 **Hop (nerd):** we’re both gay victor

**Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** VICTOR?????

 **Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** WHAT KINDA NAME-

 **Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** wait omg

 **Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** victor and gloria

 **Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** _victory and glory_

**Lana (always horny):** omg wtf ajskdfhldasgfga

**Vic (dumbass #1):** shut your fuck up kiawe

**Hop (nerd):** WAIT HOW DID I NEVER PICK UP ON THAT

 **Hop (nerd):** UR MOMS A FUCKING NERD OH MAN

 **Hop (nerd):** WAIT TILL I TELL LEE

**Gloria (glory hole):** if you tell leon you will wake up in the ocean with no flotation device

**Lana (always horny):** ugh goals

**Lillie (gay 4 marnie):** Why are the twins so terrifying?

**Gladion (angsty teen):** im already regretting being added to this chat

 **Gladion (angsty teen):** can i leave

**Ash (pretty boy):** is your name bede

**Gladion (angsty teen):** ??? no ???

**Ash (pretty boy):** then no u cant

**Gladion (angsty teen):** who the fuck is bede

**Lillie (gay 4 marnie):** The only teen angstier than you.

**Mallow (also gay 4 marnie):** lmaoooooooooo

 **Mallow (also gay 4 marnie):** its true tho

 **Mallow (also gay 4 marnie):** i have exchanged zero (0) words with bede but i already know hes a full on mess

**Gloria (glory hole):** watch me track down where he lives to duct tape him to a chair and force him to participate in this chat

**Vic (dumbass #1):** and how tf u plan on doing that

**Gloria (glory hole):** we get hop to ask leon to ask rose about bede

 **Gloria (glory hole):** since bede is rose’s ward, right?

 **Gloria (glory hole):** its either that or we run around the wild area for a weekend asking everyone we see if their name is bede

 **Gloria (glory hole):** tho at this point i feel like we wouldn’t even need to ask we would just Know On Sight

**Hop (nerd):** gloria u know i love u but i am not making my brother interact w r*se any more than i have to

**Ash (pretty boy):** i have to ask why you always censor his name

**Hop (nerd):** its habit

 **Hop (nerd):** he has lee’s rotomphone set to automatically send its backup data to him every half hour and then he has some sort of autosearch program that runs through everything looking for suspicious keywords to make sure that lee isnt ‘giving away company secrets’ or whatever

 **Hop (nerd):** its just a front for him to be able to control lee’s interactions with his friends and isolate him even more its such a fucked situation honestly

 **Hop (nerd):** if i ever see him irl im chanelling big lana energy

 **Hop (nerd):** its on fucking sight

**Ash (pretty boy):** UM WHAT

 **Ash (pretty boy):** what the actual fuck

 **Ash (pretty boy):** leon is galar champion not a fucking showdog

**Hop (nerd):** yeah u tell r*se that see how well it goes over

 **Hop (nerd):** dude is a freak with a suit fetish

 **Hop (nerd):** he also just occasionally wears these . awful running shorts

**Lana (always horny):** would u say they were…

 **Lana (always horny):** Huge Basketball Shorts?

**Hop (nerd):** wat

**Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** 100% POLYESTER MESH

 **Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** SHORTS THAT WOULD FIT BETTER ON JOHN TESH

**Lana (always horny):** THESE CLOTHES GIVE YOU MAXIMUM VENTILATION

 **Lana (always horny):** FEELING LIKE A PERMANENT VACATION

**Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** HUGE BASKETBALL SHOOOOORTS

**Lana (always horny):** HUGE BASKETBALL SHOOOOOOOORTS

**Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** TWENTY TWO X’S IN A ROW

 **Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** FOLLOWED BY AN L I LIKE TO WEAR EM LOW

**Lana (always horny):** BOXERS POPPIN OUT LIKE SHOW AND TELL

 **Lana (always horny):** U KNOW U WANNA FEEL THIS MATERIAL

**Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** DON’T MISTAKE THESE SHORTS FOR CAPRIS

 **Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** JUST B-BALL SHORTS BELOW THE KNEES

**Lana (always horny):** LIKE A GALARIAN GROUP TENT

 **Lana (always horny):** CINCHED WITH A BELT

 **Lana (always horny):** LOOK AT THESE SHORTS THEY SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES

**Kiawe (reigning taiko champion):** HUGE BASKETBALL SHOOOOORTS

**Lana (always horny):** HUGE BASKETBALL SHORTS!!!!

**Ash (pretty boy):** eye-

 **Ash (pretty boy):** what the fuck was that

**Goh (dumbass #2):** glad im not the only one confused

**Lana (always horny):** it’s a good song and also i was gonna punch someone so i needed to let out some energy

**Hop (nerd):** big mood when it comes to talking about r*se

**Goh (dumbass #2):** forget alola im catching a taxi to wyndon so i can murder a ceo

 **Goh (dumbass #2):** lets fuckin gooooo

**Hop (nerd):** haha lets goh

**Goh (dumbass #2):** i hate you

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bro how was this chapter both full of absolute crack but also serious as hell. also yes i went there with red. also please look up huge basketball shorts and PLEASE read dai dark its so funny


End file.
